Do you love seeing your favourite WWF/WWE/TNA star battle it out against a bunch of hillbilly swamp-things? If you do, please hide your innocent mind from this giant regurgitated turd of a film...Do you want something to laugh at? Please just watch re-runs of "Friends"... Are you sadomasochistic & get pleasure out of the pain your eyes & ears experience when you watch a really horrible film? PLEASE I BEG YOU, SPARE YOURSELF FROM THIS HELL!
Alright let me calm down & explain myself before you all think I'm going off on a tangent. The premise of this story is quite simply explained; a country town (by a river- go figure) suddenly becomes plagued with a series of unexplained slayings. This is where Kurt 'the wannabe rock' Angle steps in as the simpleton hick sheriff who is entrusted with the task of solving these brutal homicides as well as expressing deep emotions at key points & delivering the correct lines from his script on cue (much like his fake wrestling persona I suppose). Anyhow, our buff sheriff with his years of detective work finds himself with no other option but to walk around town brandishing the confidential & explicit crime scene photos to every dog & his aunt in hope of, of uhmm...a confession? Heck maybe he thinks he can get the truth out of one of those demonic redneck fisherman from I Know What You Did Last Summer? So as the plot progresses we find out that the bodies have carvings of the term "HIX" written on them (I would make a joke out of that but I can't be stuffed), anyway the sheriff finds out that this is the last name of a weirdo recluse named Harvey Hix who headed a group of vigilantes that murdered the Jacobs brothers, played by Kevin Nash & Psycho Sid Vicious (don't worry they have no real back story other than being two 6' 10" hobos who never had pro-wrestling careers to begin with).
Actually I think that is a touch mean spirited comment by me, I should really praise all of those pro-wrestling fans out there who spend every waking moment of their lives supporting their heroes in films like this. Now enough of the sentiment & back to the plot; so the brothers have been summoned from their watery graves after 30 years because God makes rules about releasing souls after a set time so that they can exact their revenge on the townsfolk who had nothing to do with their deaths- much like how Jason Voorhees takes out his anger issues on those innocent teens at Camp Crystal Lake; actually no sorry my apologies, that exciting comparison is not what this film is like. So anyway that covers about 40 minutes into the plot & I basically daydreamed for the rest of the time so I can only assume that everything ended peacefully with enough room for a sequel.
In the very least I think it's safe to class this film as a direct-to-VHS bargain bin trash-fest. However I think that summary is a little too classy & upbeat to truly summarise this seething pile of goat spew accurately. Believe me guys I have seen some bad films; if you don't believe me just look at the list of films I have already reviewed. The actors in an Ulli Lommel film give more heartfelt, genuine performances than most of the actors in this one. Even I struggled to get through it without needing to fast forward through the horribly stagnant dialogue. I have to say without a doubt that this film was the longest 80 minutes I have ever spent watching any film. Don't even buy it if it's the price of a nickel because that metal will be worth more to humanity in the long run than this will be in an eternity!
0.5/5
Alright let me calm down & explain myself before you all think I'm going off on a tangent. The premise of this story is quite simply explained; a country town (by a river- go figure) suddenly becomes plagued with a series of unexplained slayings. This is where Kurt 'the wannabe rock' Angle steps in as the simpleton hick sheriff who is entrusted with the task of solving these brutal homicides as well as expressing deep emotions at key points & delivering the correct lines from his script on cue (much like his fake wrestling persona I suppose). Anyhow, our buff sheriff with his years of detective work finds himself with no other option but to walk around town brandishing the confidential & explicit crime scene photos to every dog & his aunt in hope of, of uhmm...a confession? Heck maybe he thinks he can get the truth out of one of those demonic redneck fisherman from I Know What You Did Last Summer? So as the plot progresses we find out that the bodies have carvings of the term "HIX" written on them (I would make a joke out of that but I can't be stuffed), anyway the sheriff finds out that this is the last name of a weirdo recluse named Harvey Hix who headed a group of vigilantes that murdered the Jacobs brothers, played by Kevin Nash & Psycho Sid Vicious (don't worry they have no real back story other than being two 6' 10" hobos who never had pro-wrestling careers to begin with).
Actually I think that is a touch mean spirited comment by me, I should really praise all of those pro-wrestling fans out there who spend every waking moment of their lives supporting their heroes in films like this. Now enough of the sentiment & back to the plot; so the brothers have been summoned from their watery graves after 30 years because God makes rules about releasing souls after a set time so that they can exact their revenge on the townsfolk who had nothing to do with their deaths- much like how Jason Voorhees takes out his anger issues on those innocent teens at Camp Crystal Lake; actually no sorry my apologies, that exciting comparison is not what this film is like. So anyway that covers about 40 minutes into the plot & I basically daydreamed for the rest of the time so I can only assume that everything ended peacefully with enough room for a sequel.
In the very least I think it's safe to class this film as a direct-to-VHS bargain bin trash-fest. However I think that summary is a little too classy & upbeat to truly summarise this seething pile of goat spew accurately. Believe me guys I have seen some bad films; if you don't believe me just look at the list of films I have already reviewed. The actors in an Ulli Lommel film give more heartfelt, genuine performances than most of the actors in this one. Even I struggled to get through it without needing to fast forward through the horribly stagnant dialogue. I have to say without a doubt that this film was the longest 80 minutes I have ever spent watching any film. Don't even buy it if it's the price of a nickel because that metal will be worth more to humanity in the long run than this will be in an eternity!
0.5/5