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DannyChryst
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Glass Onion (2022)
Don't Throw Stones in a Glass Onion
I can't believe how overrated this film is. I enjoyed Knives Out, but Glass Onion is such an inferior sequel that the amount of praise it's receiving is absolutely mind-boggling. The movie was clearly filmed during the pandemic, and they even reference these events in the movie, which really takes you out of the viewing experience. On its face, it seems like it should be a fun movie, it's a murder mystery with an all-star cast, but there are so many reasons why this movie fails.
The most obvious and glaring issue with Glass Onion is the insanely massive plot hole that becomes apparent after the second act "reveal." The tech mogul billionaire played by Edward Norton had invited a group of his closest friends to play a murder mystery game. But we later find out that the woman named Andy was someone that he actually murdered shortly before this rendez-vous, yet he inexplicably invites her to his private island anyway. What in the actual F? Why would he invite her if he had already killed her? It turns out that the woman who ends up arriving at the island is her twin sister trying to investigate Andy's murder while posing as Andy, along with the "world's greatest detective" Benoit Blanc played by Daniel Craig. It seems that Miles, Edward Norton's character, would've known about Andy's twin sister at some point, yet he acts completely surprised to see her. Even the way Andy is murdered is absurdly stupid, and she was supposed to be the brains behind Miles' company. She invites Miles into her house KNOWING that he had an ulterior motive, then proceeds to let him prepare a drink for her that was spiked with sleeping pills, and he ends up putting her in a running car in her garage to die of carbon monoxide poisoning. This "tech genius" Andy basically let herself get murdered.
All of this reeks of lazy writing and bad storytelling. It's almost like they wrote the script up until a certain point, then didn't know how to finish the movie so they went with the "twin sister surprise." Aside from the various plot holes, there are many other issues going on with Glass Onion. The movie tries way too hard to be funny, and the dialogue usually just sounds cringy and pretentious. None of the characters are truly likable, and Kate Hudson's performance was downright irritating and grating with her shrilling like a harpy half the time. There are tons of unnecessary political references. Daniel Craig and Janelle Monae have horribly forced southern accents that are borderline offensive. Even the scientific concepts they introduce are ridiculously flawed, because the entire island is supposed to be hydrogen-powered, which is supposedly in its gaseous form within the vents after leaking from the pipes causing a massive explosion later on. If this kind of energy was truly harnessed, then its potential as an explosive hazard would be far less than methane since hydrogen molecules rapidly dissipate within the atmosphere. The film also shows a solid form of hydrogen as the cause of the explosion, which in reality is impossible to maintain at any temperature above -260 degrees Celsius.
Overall, the movie was a huge step down from the previous film. The insane plot contrivances, contradictory plot lines, annoying and uninteresting characters, and flawed scientific assumptions were all factors why this movie didn't work for me. Rian Johnson is quickly becoming one of the worst and most overrated directors in Hollywood. Knives Out probably should've been left as a one-off, but anything remotely successful has to be franchised now. Going forward, I hope they actually research hypothetical scientific concepts and try to have a better writing team for the script. This movie also felt overly comedic compared to Knives Out, which was another aspect that soured me on this film. I'm definitely in the minority with my opinion, but I just did not have as much fun with this movie as most other people.
Rebel Moon - Part One: A Child of Fire (2023)
Space Opera: A Derivative of Better Movies
This was basically just space Nazis vs space drifters in a mash-up of Star Wars, Dune, and Warhammer. They throw in some of the most generic names imaginable like "Motherworld" and "Scargiver," even the name "Rebel Moon" feels completely uninspired. Certainly not the worst sci-fi I've ever seen, but so utterly disappointing. There were also some HORRIBLE CGI sequences for a movie with a $166 million budget. Where did all of the money go? This isn't the Star Wars killer that Netflix is looking for.
I wanted to doubt the critics this time, but after watching Rebel Moon I can't emphasize enough how right they were. The premise of the entire story just wasn't that interesting, it worked for a setting like Seven Samurai, but it feels underwhelming in what's supposed to be an "epic sci-fi." Then you have to consider the over-use of slo-mo, borrowing from other franchises to the point of almost plagiarizing, stereotypical "space Nazis," the atrocious dialogue and exposition, the random recruitment sidequests that feel completely disconnected from the main plot threads, the huge dip in the quality of the CGI at times... After all the flaws this film really only has some nice visuals and cool looking costumes. Everything else made this film a massive disappointment to say the least. Snyder seriously needs to stop being involved with the writing process. This movie's script was like an 8-year-old boy playing Mad Libs with all of his favorite shows, movies, and video games. I can't imagine the extended cut being much better, unless they do an absurd amount of reshoots.
As a final point, I'll add that I have been a Snyder fan for quite some time, I've loved most of his films, but Rebel Moon fell far below my already tempered expectations. I'm not sure I'll be able to stick around for the ride this time.
Tom and Jerry (2021)
Childhood ruined, again... just leave the classics alone.
I rarely agree with film critics but this time they nailed it. This film has completely destroyed the legacy of Tom & Jerry. There is no single element to point at as the ultimate flaw of this movie, it is all just bad. The fact that Tom & Jerry are barely the focus of their own feature length film is unforgiveable enough. Then you have to consider the awful soundtrack, unlikable human characters, and the bizarre 2D/3D animation style. It doesn't make sense at all to have so many other talking cartoon animals next to Tom & Jerry who thankfully remain silent. Tom & Jerry may have been portrayed faithfully, but instead of getting a film with nothing else hamfisted into it, just their zany antics, we're forced to endure a horribly tired and cliched rom-com plot. Nobody asked for this movie to be about a wedding for two arrogant rich snobs in a fancy hotel. It almost seems like this was the original screenplay for the movie then they just threw in Tom & Jerry at the last minute and reshot everything. Colin Jost and Michael Pena do their best to be funny with an unfunny and uninteresting plot. The main character played by Chloe Grace Moretz comes across as amoral and self-serving, because the first thing she does is steal someone's resume to get a job in this hotel. Ignoring the logistical issues with this premise, the film still massively under-delivers and even the parts with Tom & Jerry are just lazily rehashed throwbacks to the cartoons. When will Hollywood stop rebooting and destroying classic franchises? I'm glad I watched this on HBOMAX because I would've felt absolutely cheated for the price of admission in a theater.
The Twilight Zone (2019)
Worst possible version of The Twilight Zone.
Having seen every episode of the original Twilight Zone at least twice, this new rendition simply fails to live up to that standard. I watched the first two episodes and I'm already checked out. The first episode seemed okay, but the second episode gave me a better idea of what this show is attempting. Apparently the goal is to demonize white men as much as possible. Jordan Peele should just stick to comedy, he's really out of his wheelhouse in the suspense/horror genre. It also makes it worse when you inject your personal political views into every episode, and I'm saying this as someone who is fairly liberal. Rod Serling would not have wanted this show to simply become a vehicle for propaganda.
Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997)
Mortal Kombat: Constipation
One of the worst sequels to ever be greenlit. This movie is a painful reminder of how NOT to adapt a video game franchise. I was only 13 when I first saw this and I hated it back then too. Annihilation was so awful that even Christopher Lambert had to turn down the role of Raiden. It's not like the first Mortal Kombat was a truly good film, but they still understood what a Mortal Kombat movie should deliver, techno music and cool fight scenes. Annihilation felt like a complete parody of the first film, with bad acting, bad dialogue, bad writing, bad visual effects, bad green screens and stock footage, bad fight choreography, bad costumes, etc. It was just bad from start to finish, in a way that truly makes it so bad that it's good because of the amount of unintentional comedy gold.
The Flash (2023)
The Flash can't save the DCEU.
Better than expected but still not good enough. The Flash does many things right with a story that takes itself seriously when it needs to, but also delivers many funny moments. The movie has tons of action and truly gives you the sense of speed you would expect from a Flash adaptation. Ezra Miller is surprisingly good here, and if you can look past his off-screen controversy you might find Miller's performance really enjoyable. If this is a deal-breaker for you then his portrayal of Barry Allen isn't going to win you over because you're basically getting a double dose of Miller. Most will probably say that Keaton's Batman was the highlight of the film, and I have to say that this part definitely hit me with nostalgia berries. Sasha Calle's Supergirl was fine, she looks great for the part but I wanted a little more depth from her character.
We need to talk about the CGI though. To say the visuals were sub-par would be a vast understatement. There are times when the visual effects actually look pretty good, but then there are too many times where it looks absolutely cartoonish, especially whenever they try to fully render people or animals. For a film that cost over $200 million to make I have to wonder how much of this went to the visual effects. The director trying to hand-wave this away as a "stylized choice" just sounds like a poor excuse for these terrible CGI sequences. There are new PS5 games that have better graphics than this. It felt like an assault on my optic nerves.
Aside from the bad VFX, there were some interesting cameos, some of which made me wonder how much footage Warner Bros has sealed away from the public. The plot does get a little messy and it feels more like a send-off for the DCEU rather than a true Flash movie. I thought the villain didn't get enough attention since they were trying to spend so much time handling the multiverse aspect. It's almost like there were 2 or 3 separate scripts being mashed together for the story. I certainly liked this more than Shazam 2 and Black Adam. This film is already expected to bomb like those other two did though, so I think James Gunn and WB need to seriously consider doing a full reboot of the DC Universe. This movie came out way too late in the Snyderverse era to be truly relevant, and with the new DC film universe on the horizon too many people will find it hard to care about a film that won't really matter going forward.
The Terminal List (2022)
Decent enough for a weekend binge.
Just a fairly average show that hits enough of the right notes to be watchable. Seems like both the critics and audience are exaggerating how good or bad they think this is. Everything has to be viewed through the lens of "woke vs anti-woke" nowadays and people are losing any sense of nuance because of this perceived culture war. This show had an interesting premise and there are definitely many entertaining scenes, but the story and dialogue felt overly long and dragged out. This easily could've been a much tighter 4 part mini-series. Reacher was a much better show if you want a solid revenge tale.
The Matrix Resurrections (2021)
The Matrix: Misdirection
The first Matrix movie had a societal impact like very few other movies have had before or after and the cultural significance is still relevant to this day. I was absolutely blown away by this film and it is certainly one of my all time favorites. The sequels were not quite as good but definitely still had their moments of action, intrigue, and spectacle. After seeing Resurrections I'm now convinced that they never should've gone beyond the original. Resurrections makes Revolutions look like Citizen Kane, despite all the flaws the trilogy's finale had. I knew this latest entry to the series was not going to be as good as the original trilogy, but nothing could've prepared me for how bad this movie actually was.
The first red flag is the fact that this film has to constantly remind you of how much better the first film was. About a third of the film is either trying to sloppily recreate the most iconic scenes and imagery of the first film, or is literally just showing you those scenes within the film. Then there's all the "meta" self-awareness the film has, which could have been a clever plot device but is done in such a painfully cringy way that it feels like they don't want you to take this film seriously. Neo's powers are completely nerfed and it's pretty obvious that Keanu is now too old to do kung fu. Agent Smith and Morpheus are just cheap knock-offs of Weaving and Fishburne, and I can't blame those two for not wanting to return to this trainwreck of a sequel. Instead of the Architect we have the "Analyst" who is an actual exposition machine and explains any necessary plot points when the story needs to move forward. There are a lot of cool ideas like a machine civil war that get briefly mentioned and then are never spoken of again, even though these could've been fascinating concepts to explore. The new characters are like forgettable NPCs, which is fitting considering that the film's first angle is to say the Matrix was just a video game. They even introduce one of the most cliche concepts they could possibly throw into this franchise, zombies. Yes that's right, there are now zombies in the Matrix. You might be wondering if at least the action is any good... well, it isn't. The fight choreography also feels like a huge downgrade from the entire Matrix trilogy.
There are so many things wrong with this movie, from the script, to the casting, to the execution, and so on. It's a nostalgia-bait cash-grab that destroys everything the franchise had worked to achieve, and based on Lana Wachowski's statements this was probably intentional. I understand wanting to make a commentary about the film industry, sequels, etc., but that could've been accomplished without creating such a disjointed mess. This is one of the most disappointing sequels ever made, if not the worst sequel in the history of film. I'd prefer to be like Neo and believe that this movie is not real.
Catwoman (2004)
Why does this movie exist?
Worst superhero film ever made and it's not even close. Halle Berry herself knows how terrible her performance was and gladly accepted her Razzie award. It's hard to imagine that anyone thought this was a good way to give Catwoman her own story. We've had two versions of Catwoman since this abomination and both of them put this mockery of the character to shame. Plus let's face it, nobody will ever live up to Michelle Pfeiffer's iconic portrayal, she captured lightning in a bottle with her legendary live-action Catwoman. Even Jared Leto's Joker seems like Oscar-worthy material compared to Halle Berry's Catwoman. This film has definitely set the bar for how awful a comic book movie can get.
Death Note (2017)
Stop Ruining Great Anime
Absolute garbage. I do appreciate that they tried to take many ideas from the anime. They get the basic concepts correct, but the changes to the plot of the source material are unforgivable. Some of the changes were made to create completely unnecessary plot twists which were vastly different from the anime, and ended up being your standard horror clichés. Ryuk was also a lot different from the anime and manga despite being the single element that remained mostly intact. In the anime he acted like he didn't care about what happened with the Death Note, and that made him even more likable as a character. In this film he's portrayed as having sinister urges for how he uses the Death Note, as if he was actually a demon or some kind of evil entity. Ryuk seemed far more neutral towards everything on the show.
Light acts like an irrational dunce compared to his criminal mastermind version from the show. Misa, or "Mia" in the film, is much more sadistic and conniving than in the anime. Even L has a personality change, but most of his mannerisms remain the same. He too lets his emotions run wild, which is a huge departure from his cold and calculating nature on the show. This is mostly the result of an overly elaborate plot twist that is such a sharp deviation from the source material it makes you wonder if the director even watched the whole series. They also continue to cram in needlessly complicated plot devices that have no place or purpose in a supernatural detective story. On top of that, they keep ripping off various other horror films, and it feels like more of a horror film than a detective story. This is probably their greatest sin of all because it utterly destroys the tone that made the anime so unique to watch. It just becomes another disposable American horror movie which is definitely not what Death Note should have been like.
This was easily the worst live-action adaptation of Death Note, and possibly the worst live-action adaptation of any anime period. I didn't think it could get much worse after Ghost In The Shell, but Netflix had to prove me wrong. Hollywood seriously needs to leave anime alone forever.