Step Brothers (2008)
Adam Scott: Derek
Photos
Quotes
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Brennan Huff : Hey Derek, you know what's good for shoulder pain?
Derek : What?
Brennan Huff : If you lick my butt hole.
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Derek : I have to sell or lease at last 80 helicopters to make my nut. And you... You mess with my nut, Brennan, Randy here is gonna eat your dick.
Randy : Like Kobayashi.
Randy : [makes eating noise]
Derek : I've seen him do it.
Brennan Huff : You've actually seen him eating a man's penis?
Derek : It was in international waters, so they couldn't prosecute him. But I saw it.
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Derek : What do we do now?
Brennan Huff : We could hug.
Derek : Yeah, you'd like that, faggot!... Sorry.
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Derek : [Derek suddenly climbs up Brennan's treehouse with a beer] What's up, faggots?
[to Brennan]
Derek : What's up man? What? You're not gonna come down and say hi to me? What's with that, dipshit? Huh?
Brennan Huff : [faintly] Hi, Derek.
Derek : Whoa, calm down, man. I'm just joking. You guys, I really like your guys' setup up here...
Dale Doback : What is your problem, man?
Derek : My problem? I don't know! I don't have a problem, Dale. Actually, I have the opposite of a problem: I made over 550 K last year!
[smirks]
Derek : How much did you make?
Dale Doback : [shrugs] It's not about money...
Derek : No, it's not about money. Well, for me, it's a little bit about money...
[pause]
Derek : And I made that much money last year. I am the VP of the biggest executive-helicopter-leasing company on the Western Seaboard. Okay? I haven't had a carb since 2004. Check these out!
[Derek lifts up his shirt and shows Dale and Brennan his chest abs]
Derek : See these? See these boys? This is what I live with! Every day I lather this up with Kiehl's in the shower. You wanna touch this shit? You wanna touch these bad boys? Sorry, not gonna happen!
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Derek : It's the fucking Catalina Wine Mixer.
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Derek : What if I were to tell you that I could sell this house... for 30 percent above market?
Dr. Robert Doback : That'd be great. Could you do it?
Derek : Yeah. In a heartbeat, Robby. Look, I got my real-estate license a few years back for shits and gigs. I'd even do it for four-fifths commish... because you know what really gets my dick hard? Helping out my friends.
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Derek : Listen gang, don't be mad at Dale for ruining the story... and possibly the evening.
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Derek : Dane Cook, pay-per-view, 20 minutes. Let's go!
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Derek : Brennan has a man-gina!
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Derek : [sarcastically] Not bad!
Brennan Huff : [as Derek leaves] Eat shit, Derek!
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[as the family sings Sweet Child O' Mine]
Derek : All right, Alice, let's go!
[Alice sings unenthusiastically]
Derek : Flat. It's so flat, I can't even- I don't even know. You don't even look good while you're singing. The worst thing I've ever heard. This is twelve hundred dollars a week for voice lessons, and this is what I get? Okay, I'm gonna save it with the solo.
[singing]
Derek : Bowm, bowm, I'm Deeerek and I can sing hiiiigh like thiiiis! And I can sing hiiiiiiiigh!
[swerves away from oncoming traffic]
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Derek : So, you got a really dope front lawn here. You and your homeboys can play on that.
Second Homebuyer Husband : You know what, you can- you can just say it looks good.
Derek : Nah, it's how I talk. You got a really fresh entryway here.
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Nancy Huff : We were so sad you guys couldn't come to the wedding.
Dr. Robert Doback : We completely understand. You were busy fishing... with Mark Cuban.
Derek : Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, not just the Cubes, but Chris Daughtry, Jeff Probst, super chef Bobby Flay. I mean, it was insane. It was almost too much.
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Dale Doback : What is your problem, man?
Derek : My problem? I don't know. I don't have a problem, uh, Dale. In fact, I have the opposite of a problem. I made over 550K last year. How much did you make?
Dale Doback : It's not about money.
Derek : It's not about money? Well, for me, it's a little about money, and I made *that* much money last year.
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Dr. Robert Doback : [to Dale and Brennan on why it is their fault for divorcing Nancy] You destroyed my boat, you beat me up in your sleep, and... worst of all, you made Nancy and I resent each other! IT IS ABSOLUTELY ONE-HUNDRED AND FIFTY PERCENT YOUR FAULT!
Derek : Of course it's their fault. They are the two biggest dickheads in the world and they're living in your house!
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Dr. Robert Doback : Oh God, you're impressive.
Derek : Oh, come on. I love talking to you from across the room. I feel like we have a thing. You and me, man! You're my new stepdad! You're unbelievable!
[Robert laughs giddily]
Nancy Huff : I-I've never heard that laugh before.
Dale Doback : Dad, why are you acting so weird?
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Derek : I am the VP of the biggest executive helicopter leasing company on the western seaboard. I haven't had a carb since 2004. Check these out.
[Points to ab muscles]
Derek : See these? See these boys? This is what I live with, every day. I lather this up with Kiehls in the shower. You want to touch this shit?
Dale Doback : No.
Derek : You want to touch these bad boys? Sorry, not gonna happen.