What's Up, Doc? (1972)
Madeline Kahn: Eunice Burns
Photos
Quotes
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Judge Maxwell : Officer! What are these people being charged with
Arresting Officer : It's kind of hard to explain, Judge.
Judge Maxwell : Give it a shot.
Arresting Officer : Well we picked most of them out of San Francisco bay.
Judge Maxwell : Entering the country illegally?
Arresting Officer : No sir, they drove in.
Judge Maxwell : Into the country?
Arresting Officer : Into the bay.
Judge Maxwell : Ah, that's better. Unauthorized use of public water.
Arresting Officer : Mostly in stolen cars.
Judge Maxwell : Ah ha, that's grand larceny.
Arresting Officer : Then there was a shooting...
Judge Maxwell : That's assault with a deadly weapon.
Frederick Larrabee : They broke into my home.
Judge Maxwell : That's breaking and entering.
Frederick Larrabee : [indicating Eunice] And brought her with them forcibly!
Judge Maxwell : That's kidnapping.
Eunice : They tried to molest me.
Judge Maxwell : That's... unbelievable.
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Eunice : I'm not looking for romance, Howard.
Howard : Oh?
Eunice : No, I'm looking for something more important than that, something stronger. As the years go by, romance fades and something else takes its place. Do you know what that is?
Howard : Senility?
Eunice : Trust!
Howard : That's what I meant.
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Eunice : Now, tell me how you are going to introduce yourself.
Howard : What? Oh, well, I'll probably say something like "Hello there, Mr Larrabee. I'm Howard."
Eunice : You are not.
Howard : I am not Howard.
Eunice : You are not going to say "Hi, my name's Howard." Anyone could say that! Anyone.
Howard : Anyone named Howard.
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Banquet Receptionist : This woman claims to be a Eunice Burns.
Eunice : I am not "A" Eunice Burns, I am "THE" Eunice Burns!
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Eunice : [fighting off a waiter trying to restrain her] Howard! Howard Bannister! They're trying, they're trying to keep me out!
Frederick Larrabee : [to Howard] Who is that dangerously unbalanced woman?
Eunice : Howard! Howard! Tell them who I am. Tell them who I am. I *demand* that you tell them who I am right this minute.
Howard : [after a long pause] I never saw this woman before in my life.
[Eunice faints and is dragged from the room, leaving scuff marks on the floor. Judy whistles]
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Judy : I think I'll get dressed now.
Eunice : [on telephone] Howard, who was that?
Howard : Who was what?
Eunice : I heard a voice say something about getting dressed.
Howard : It's the television set, Eunice. There's a movie on - a war movie. They're getting dressed for the big battle.
Eunice : It was a woman's voice!
Howard : Yes; they're lady soldiers, Eunice. It's called "The Fighting WACs".
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Howard : Eunice. Eunice. Eunice, please open the door, I have wonderful news.
Eunice : I do not want your apologies Howard. I think it is too late for that.
Howard : All right. No apologies.
Eunice : Have you no heart? I would have thought after all you have done you would come crawling for forgiveness.
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Judy : [to operator on hotel phone] Uh, Miss Eunice Burns, please.
Eunice : [Answers phone] Yes?
Judy : [Switches to heavy Brooklyn accent] Miss Burns, uh this is Sylvia, Mr. Larrabee's personal secretary. There's been a little mixup in the invitation for this afternoon.
Eunice : Yes.
Judy : Yes. The luncheon has been switched from Mr. Larrabee's home to one of the Larrabee Foundation offices.
Eunice : Oh, but Mr. Bannister has already gone for the...
Judy : Oh yes, I managed to catch Mr. Bannister on his way out and tell him. The address of the luncheon is - uh do you have a pencil, darling?
Eunice : Yes.
Judy : 459 Dirella Street.
Eunice : Dirella...
Judy : Yes, Second floor.
Eunice : I see. Well thank you, Miss...
Judy : Uh Louise.
Eunice : I thought you said 'Sylvia'?
Judy : Uh yes, Sylvia-Louise, you know, with a hyphen.
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Eunice : [while Judge Maxwell is making a list of crimes with which to charge a group of people] They tried to molest me.
Judge Maxwell : That's...
[looks at Eunice]
Judge Maxwell : unbelievable.
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Fritz : I am afraid one of our guests has lost something.
Eunice : Well, I fail to see how it could possibly be in here unless it crawled here under its own power.
Fritz : Precisely Miss Burns.
Eunice : What are you saying?
Fritz : It appears one of our guests, a wealthy eccentric, has lost his pet snake.
[Eunice screams and jumps onto the bed]
Fritz : Calm yourself, Miss Burns. May I suggest you shut yourself in the bathroom for a few moments while I search your room?
Eunice : What if it's in there?
Fritz : Impossible, madam. Snakes, as you know, live in mortal fear of... tile.
[Eunice scurries into the bathroom]
Fritz : [reaches under bed and pulls out one of the cases] It's all right Miss Burns. You can come out now.
Eunice : What more can they do to me?
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Eunice : Mr Larrabee.
Frederick Larrabee : Frederick.
Eunice : Frederick. Will you help me?
Frederick Larrabee : Yes, I will. Who are you?
Eunice : I am Eunice Burns.
Hugh : Who cares who she is. We're going to be killed.
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Eunice : Don't kick those rocks, you Philistine!
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Eunice : Why are your rocks in the bathroom?