QI (2003– )
Stephen Fry: Self - Host
Photos
Quotes
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Stephen Fry : [quoting Albert Einstein] Only two things are infinite - the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not so sure about the universe.
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Rob Brydon : When I was small and my dad just happened to hit his finger with a hammer for something new, he used to say, 'Hells bells and buckets of blood.'
Stephen Fry : That's a good saying 'Hells bells and buckets of blood.' I usually just say "Fuck it!"
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Stephen Fry : [holding his clenched left fist out in front of him] If I've got a moth ball in this hand and a moth ball in that hand,
[bringing out his right fist]
Stephen Fry : What have I got?
Alan Davies : Two moth balls?
Stephen Fry : A rather excited moth.
Alan Davies : Sorry, I thought you were literally asking.
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Phill Jupitus : [during a round about the sinking of the Titanic] Is it true that someone dressed as a lady to escape detection?
Stephen Fry : Yes, apparently it is true because it was women and children first.
Bill Bailey : [laughs] I thought you said "someone dressed as a *baby*"
Phill Jupitus : [putting on posh accent] "Yes, goo-goo indeed. I have a lollipop and I have no control over my urinary functions. I am, in fact, an infant. And I know you think I'm Lord Albermal, but I am in fact a little baby. With a beard. Yes, goo-goo, gaa-gaa. And Madam, may I tell you I've been a very naughty baby."!
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Guest : One thing I learned working on the Vagina Monologues is that the clitoris has no other function than pleasure. I liked that, nice that otherwise it was purely decorative.
Stephen Fry : As indeed is my penis.
Sean Lock : Hey Stephen, what are you pissing through these days?
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Stephen Fry : [after much teasing over flubbing the words, Stephen finally gets to say it properly] They say of the Acropolis, where the Parthenon is... there are no straight lines!
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Stephen Fry : There's nothing funny about trying to make people laugh!
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Stephen Fry : Do you suppose elephants see pink human beings when they're drunk?
Clive Anderson : Human beings are pink!
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Stephen Fry : "Shagging the Dog"? This is a phrase in Canada, is it?
Guest : It means having a Lazy Day. Like "Shagging the Sheep".
Stephen Fry : Might be common practise around here, but not a figure of Speech.
Guest : You know, with a Lady, you have to woo her, take her to Dinner, but with the Dog it's just "Here, boy!"
Phill Jupitus : Again, I must correct you there!
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Stephen Fry : If you put 5 Species of Sponge in a Blender they will separate out and reform again afterwards.
Phill Jupitus : Like Terminator 2!
Stephen Fry : I tried it with Chihuahuas but it didn't work.
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Stephen Fry : The Hindenburg was filled with Hydrogen, which of course is incrensely dangerous...
Phill Jupitus : What have I told you about not reading Jabberwocky before you come on?
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Stephen Fry : Pliny thought a sure cure for a headache was to tie the genitals of a fox around your forehead.
[Funny voice]
Stephen Fry : But still, it's better than propping up the evil Pharmaceutical Companies that are destroying our World...
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Stephen Fry : [klaxon] Oh Alanywalanywalanywalan...
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Stephen Fry : There are stories of Nurses who get sent Stools by grateful patients, you must have heard this?
Jo Brand : They're not necessarily grateful.
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Stephen Fry : 1 to 4% of our DNA is Neanderthal.
Jack Dee : Was there ever a Homo Sapien/Neanderthal Wedding?
Stephen Fry : Just go to Basildon any Saturday Night.
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Stephen Fry : Gooooooooooooooooooooodeveningoodeveningoodevening!
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Stephen Fry : [talking with Dr. Ben Goldacre about the DSM IV] There we are, some Psychologists seem to have Disorder Naming Compulsion Disorder.
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Stephen Fry : Correctly Correctington!
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Stephen Fry : Howard, Howard, Howard. Howardy, Howardy, Hustard.
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Stephen Fry : Nobody quite knows why Neanderthals went extinct.
Jack Dee : Maybe we teased them to Death! "Yes, I know I'm ugly and stupid..."
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Stephen Fry : What does the moon smell of?
Jo Brand : Is it Buzz Aldrin's dirty underpants?
Stephen Fry : Well..
Jo Brand : Face it, he probably buried some up there.
Alan Davies : I buried my underpants in the back garden once, and in the morning they'd gone!
Julian Clary : People advertise dirty underpants in the back of magazines.
Stephen Fry : Well, not in the Spectator they don't! Is all I can say to that.
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Stephen Fry : A Saudi Mullah once condemned Homosexuality saying that Anal Sex caused Earthquakes. Anal Sex of course does not cause Earthquakes.
Andy Hamilton : It does if it's done right!
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Stephen Fry : How many muscles are in your fingers?
Phill Jupitus : One, if you play your cards right!
[Winks and Flirts]
Stephen Fry : [flustered] I'm not going to look at you!
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Stephen Fry : Kneel before Zod!
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Stephen Fry : [a "Flange" of Baboons; a "Whoop" of Gorillas] A word from a comedy sketch has migrated to the Internet and is now being used by Academics as a real word.
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David Mitchell : I love the fact we live in a Country with terrible Customer Service. You know, "This is a Terrible Train, you're tearing tickets in half, of course you look miserable!" I've got respect for that.
Stephen Fry : Yes, I mean, why stand there with a cheesy grin on your face if your job is like that?
David Mitchell : It's the sign of a Liar or a Moron!
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Alan Davies : Did you know, it's Quite Interesting...
Stephen Fry : That's what we're here for!
Alan Davies : Kiwi fruit uses up more than its own weight in jet fuel to get from New Zealand to Europe.
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Hugh Laurie : I was going to say the same thing! It's spelt with four Ds because that's his name!
Stephen Fry : Yes, they're a sort of architectural, structural device to prevent his name from falling into the mush of Ewar Woowoo!
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Stephen Fry : There is no such thing as a fish.
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Stephen Fry : Who was the most famous person beaten at chess by a machine?
Alan Davies : Jesus!
Guest : "Jesus plays Chess" is the name of an Indie Band! Or it's going to be.
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Stephen Fry : You're sick puppies. I'm very ashamed of you.
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Stephen Fry : You beasts! You beasts! You unutterable beasts!
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Jimmy Carr : I can't believe you're being so blase about this. You killed a Unicorn, you Monster!
Stephen Fry : [Narwhal Tusk] J K Rowling gave me permission...
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Phill Jupitus : BAAAAA!
Stephen Fry : Oh, bugger you! I don't sound like that!
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Stephen Fry : Let's find out, but later, not now.
Guest : That is surely not the point of the Show!
Stephen Fry : I panicked, okay?
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Stephen Fry : Nostalgia in the Army was finally cured by a Doctor's ruling that the next man suffering from it would be buried alive...
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Reginald D. Hunter : Hey, I'm Black!
Stephen Fry : Oh, don't you try that!
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Stephen Fry : Oh, would that it were! Would that it were...