- Veronica Corningstone: For the entire Channel 4 news team, I'm Veronica Corningstone.
- Ron Burgundy: And I'm Ron Burgundy. Go fuck yourself, San Diego.
- Brian Fantana: [about Veronica] I'll give this little cookie an hour before we're doing the no-pants dance. Time to musk up.
- [opens cologne cabinet]
- Ron Burgundy: Wow. Never ceases to amaze me. What cologne you gonna go with? London Gentleman, or wait. No, no, no. Hold on. Blackbeard's Delight.
- Brian Fantana: No, she gets a special cologne... It's called Sex Panther by Odeon. It's illegal in nine countries... Yep, it's made with bits of real panther, so you know it's good.
- Ron Burgundy: It's quite pungent.
- Brian Fantana: Oh yeah.
- Ron Burgundy: It's a formidable scent... It stings the nostrils. In a good way.
- Brian Fantana: Yep.
- Ron Burgundy: Brian, I'm gonna be honest with you, that smells like pure gasoline.
- Brian Fantana: They've done studies, you know. 60% of the time, it works every time.
- [cheesy grin]
- Ron Burgundy: That doesn't make sense.
- Brian Fantana: Well... Let's go see if we can make this little kitty purr.
- [snarls]
- Ron Burgundy: Boy, that escalated quickly... I mean, that really got out of hand fast.
- Champ Kind: It jumped up a notch.
- Ron Burgundy: It did, didn't it?
- Brick Tamland: Yeah, I stabbed a man in the heart.
- Ron Burgundy: I saw that. Brick killed a guy. Did you throw a trident?
- Brick Tamland: Yeah, there were horses, and a man on fire, and I killed a guy with a trident.
- Ron Burgundy: Brick, I've been meaning to talk to you about that. You should find yourself a safehouse or a relative close by. Lay low for a while, because you're probably wanted for murder.
- Brian Fantana: I think I was in love once.
- Ron Burgundy: Really? What was her name?
- Brian Fantana: I don't remember.
- Ron Burgundy: That's not a good start, but keep going...
- Brian Fantana: She was Brazilian, or Chinese, or something weird. I met her in the bathroom of a K-Mart and we made out for hours. Then we parted ways, never to see each other again.
- Ron Burgundy: I'm pretty sure that's not love.
- Brian Fantana: Damn it.
- Ed Harken: A lot of you have been hearing the affiliates complaining about a lack of diversity on the news team.
- Champ Kind: What in the hell's diversity?
- Ron Burgundy: Well, I could be wrong, but I believe diversity is an old, old wooden ship that was used during the Civil War era.
- Ed Harken: Ron, I would be surprised if the affiliates were concerned about the lack of an old, old wooden ship, but nice try.
- [Ron bribes the announcer]
- Announcer: You're watching Channel 4 News with five-time Emmy award-winning anchor Ron Burgundy and Tits McGee.
- Veronica Corningstone: Good evening, San Diego. I'm Veronica Corningstone. Tits McGee is on vacation.
- Ron Burgundy: And I'm Tits... I'm Ron Burgundy.
- Ron Burgundy: You stay classy, San Diego. I'm Ron Burgundy?
- Ed Harken: Dammit. Who typed a question mark on the Teleprompter?
- Ed Harken: Sweetheart, you and I have had this discussion a million times. There's never been a woman anchor.
- Veronica Corningstone: Mr. Harken, this city needs its news. And you are going to deprive them of that because I have breasts? Exquisite breasts? Now, I am gonna go on, and if you want to try and stop me, bring it on. Because I am good at three things: Fighting, screwing, and reading the news. I've already done one of those today, so what's the other one gonna be? Huh?
- Ed Harken: [thinks about it] Screwing?
- Ron Burgundy: Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diego, which of course in German means a whale's vagina.
- Veronica Corningstone: No, there's no way that's correct.
- Ron Burgundy: I'm sorry, I was trying to impress you. I don't know what it means. I'll be honest, I don't think anyone knows what it means anymore. Scholars maintain that the translation was lost hundreds of years ago.
- Veronica Corningstone: Doesn't it mean Saint Diego?
- Ron Burgundy: No. No.
- Veronica Corningstone: No, that's - that's what it means. Really.
- Ron Burgundy: Agree to disagree.
- Veronica Corningstone: My God, what is that smell? Oh.
- Brian Fantana: That's the smell of desire my lady.
- Veronica Corningstone: God no, it smells like, like a used diaper... filled with... Indian food. Oh, excuse me.
- Brian Fantana: You know, desire smells like that to some people.
- News Station Employee: [disgusted] What is that? Smells like a turd covered in burnt hair.
- News Station Employee: [horrified] Smells like Bigfoot's dick!
- Brian Fantana: [tries to act casual and walk away] Whoa, what's that smell?
- Ron Burgundy: I don't know how to put this but I'm kind of a big deal.
- Veronica Corningstone: Really.
- Ron Burgundy: People know me.
- Veronica Corningstone: Well, I'm very happy for you.
- Ron Burgundy: I'm very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.
- Brick Tamland: I love... carpet.
- [pause]
- Brick Tamland: I love... desk.
- Ron Burgundy: Brick, are you just looking at things in the office and saying that you love them?
- Brick Tamland: I love lamp.
- Ron Burgundy: Do you really love the lamp, or are you just saying it because you saw it?
- Brick Tamland: [Tries to sound convincing] I love lamp! I love lamp.
- Ron Burgundy: [Ron Burgundy and Champ Kind making prank phone calls to Veronica Corningstone] This is your doctor. I have your pregnancy report here, and guess what. You got knocked up.
- [subtitled conversation between Ron's dog Baxter and an attacking bear]
- Baxter: Leave these people alone. They mean you no harm.
- Bear: We Bears are a proud race. They must pay for their intrusion.
- Baxter: On my journey I met one of your kind. His name was Katow-jo. We became friends.
- Bear: Katow-jo is my cousin. Go in peace.
- Baxter: I will tell tales of your compassion.
- Bear: Fare thee well, Baxter. You shall always be friend of the bears.
- Brick Tamland: I'm Brick Tamland. People seem to like me because I am polite and I am rarely late. I like to eat ice cream and I really enjoy a nice pair of slacks. Years later, a doctor will tell me that I have an I.Q. of 48 and am what some people call mentally retarded.
- Ron Burgundy: Last time I looked in the dictionary, my name's Ron Burgundy. What's your name?
- Brian Fantana: Brian Fantana.
- Champ Kind: Champ Kind.
- Brick Tamland: Brian Fantana.
- Brian Fantana: No, you're Brick.
- Brick Tamland: Brian.
- Brian Fantana: I'm Brian.
- Brick Tamland: Veronica.
- Brick Tamland: [opposing women in the newsroom] I read somewhere their periods attract bears. Bears can smell the menstruation.
- Brian Fantana: Well, that's just great. You hear that, Ed? Bears. Now you're putting the whole station in jeopardy.
- Ron Burgundy: Um, Brick, before I let you go, are you still having your celebrity golf tournament?
- Brick Tamland: Um, no, no. Too many people died last year, so we're not gonna.
- Ron Burgundy: [answers the phone in a very distressed manner] Hello? Who's there, I'm talkin'? Hello? Who is this? Baxter... is that you? Baxter! Bark twice if you're in Milwaukee... Is this Wilt Chamberlain? Have the courage to say something! Hello?
- Brick Tamland: I ate fiberglass insulation. It wasn't cotton candy like the guy said... my stomach's itchy.
- Champ Kind: I will smash your face into a car windshield, and then take your mother, Dorothy Mantooth, out for a nice seafood dinner and never call her again.
- Wes Mantooth: Dorothy Mantooth is a Saint!
- Ron Burgundy: Hey, let's leave the mothers out of this.
- Brian Fantana: Where is the suit store? We've been walking for forty-five minutes.
- Champ Kind: Brick, I thought you said this was a shortcut.
- Brick Tamland: Fantastic.
- Ron Burgundy: Well, is it a shortcut or not?
- Brick Tamland: Okay.
- Brian Fantana: Don't get me wrong, I *love* the ladies. I mean they rev my engine, but they do NOT belong in the newsroom!
- Champ Kind: It is anchor *man*, not anchor *lady*. And that is a scientific fact.
- Brick Tamland: [Absolutely furious] I don't know what we're yelling about!
- Brian Fantana: You're with us, Ron, what do you think?
- Ron Burgundy: [shouting] She... Sh... It's terrible! She has beautiful eyes! And her hair smells like cinnamon!
- Brick Tamland: [shouts] *LOUD* *NOISES*!
- Garth Holliday: You were my hero Ron! Why'd you have to say that? You come out with stink like that.
- [starts to cry]
- Garth Holliday: Poop. You poopmouth, with poop out of your mouth!
- Ron Burgundy: Garth, if I would give you some money out of my wallet, would that ease the pain?
- Ron Burgundy: [Ron is shirtless in his office and is doing arm curls with dumbbells] 1001... 1002... 1003...
- Veronica Corningstone: Uh, Mr. Burgundy? Helen said that you needed to see me.
- Ron Burgundy: Oh, Miss Corningstone. I wasn't expecting company. Just doing my workout. Tuesday's arms and back.
- Veronica Corningstone: Well, you asked me to come by, sir.
- Ron Burgundy: Oh, did I?
- Veronica Corningstone: Yes.
- Ron Burgundy: Ohh, it's the deep burn. Oh, it's so deep. Oh, I can barely lift my right arm 'cause I did so many. I don't know if you heard me counting. I did over a thousand.
- Ron Burgundy: Veronica Corningstone and I had sex, and now we are in love!
- [Brian shuts office door]
- Ron Burgundy: Did I say that loud?
- Brian Fantana: Yeah, you pretty much yelled it.
- Veronica Corningstone: Excuse me.
- Ron Burgundy: What are you doing?
- Veronica Corningstone: I need this machine so I can watch a tape for a story.
- Ron Burgundy: I'm using the tape. I'm showing Jeffrey my Emmy tape. We are watching history.
- Veronica Corningstone: Mr. Burgundy, I'm a professional, and I would like to be able to do my job.
- Ron Burgundy: Big deal. I am very professional.
- Veronica Corningstone: Mr. Burgundy, you are acting like a baby.
- Ron Burgundy: I'm not a baby, I am a man. I am an anchorman.
- Veronica Corningstone: You are not a man. You are a big fat joke.
- Ron Burgundy: I'm a man who discovered the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn. That's what kind of man I am. You're just a woman with a small brain. With a brain a third the size of us. It's science.
- Veronica Corningstone: I will have you know that I have more talent and more intelligence in my little finger than you do in your entire body, sir.
- Ron Burgundy: You are a smelly pirate hooker.
- Veronica Corningstone: You look like a blueberry.
- Ron Burgundy: Why don't you go back to your home on Whore Island?
- Veronica Corningstone: Well, you have bad hair.
- Ron Burgundy: [insulted] What did you say?
- Veronica Corningstone: I said... your hair... looks stupid.
- [an A-bomb mushroom cloud is reflected in Ron's eyes; the knock-down drag-out fight begins]
- Brian Fantana: People call me the Bry man; I'm the stylish one of the group. I know what you're asking yourself and the answer is yes. I have a nick name for my penis. Its called the Octagon, but I also nick named my testes - my left one is James Westphal and my right one is Doctor Kenneth Noisewater. You ladies play your cards right you just might get to meet the whole gang.
- Veronica Corningstone: ...and that can be very distracting. Okay, so when we get to the pet shop...
- Brick Tamland: [while coughing] Cough. Look over here.
- [spoken]
- Brick Tamland: Excuse me, Veronica?
- Veronica Corningstone: Yes? What is it, Brick?
- Brick Tamland: I would like to extend to you an invitation to the pants party.
- Veronica Corningstone: Excuse me?
- Brick Tamland: [struggling] The... party. With the... with the pants. Party with pants?
- Veronica Corningstone: Brick, are you saying that there's a party in your pants and that I'm invited?
- Brick Tamland: That's it.
- Veronica Corningstone: Did Brian tell you to say this, Brick?
- Brick Tamland: No. Yes. He did.
- Veronica Corningstone: Okay. No. I don't want to go to a party in your pants.
- Brick Tamland: Very well. Ian, would you like to go to a party in my pants?
- Ian: No, Brick.
- Brick Tamland: All right. Let's go.
- [runs off, there is a sound of crashing off screen]
- Brick Tamland: It's all right. I'm all right.
- Veronica Corningstone: Oh Ron, there are literally thousands of other men that I should be with instead, but I am 72 percent sure that I love you.
- Ron Burgundy: [singing] Gonna find my baby, gonna hold her tight / Gonna grab some afternoon delight / My motto's always been, "When it's right, it's right" / Why wait until the middle of a cold dark night?
- Ron Burgundy, Brian Fantana, Champ Kind, Brick Tamland: [singing] When everything's a little clearer in the light of day / And we know the night is always gonna be there anyway.
- Brian Fantana, Brick Tamland: [singing] Thinkin' of you's workin' up my appetite / Looking forward to a little afternoon delight / Rubbin' sticks and stones together makes the sparks ignite / And the thought of lovin' you is getting so exciting.
- Ron Burgundy, Brian Fantana, Champ Kind, Brick Tamland: [singing] Sky rockets in flight / Afternoon delight.
- Ron Burgundy: You guys have it, I think.
- Ron Burgundy, Brian Fantana, Champ Kind, Brick Tamland: [singing] Afternoon delight.
- Champ Kind: I don't know Ron, That sounds kinda crazy.
- Brian Fantana: Sounds like you have mental problems, man.
- Brick Tamland: Yeah you got mental problems, man.
- Brian Fantana: Yeah, he really does.
- Brick Tamland: Man.
- Ron Burgundy, Brian Fantana, Champ Kind, Brick Tamland: [singing] Afternoon delight.
- Ed Harken: [on the phone] I have no idea where he would have gotten ahold of German pornography. But you and I are mature adults; we've both seen our share of pornographic materials. Oh, you never have? Of course you haven't, how stupid of me. Neither have I. I was just speaking in generalities. Right. I'll stop by the school a little later, Sister Margaret. Bye.
- Ron Burgundy: [concluding broadcast] Good night, I'm Ron Burgundy. Go fuck yourself San Diego.
- Ed Harken: [various reaction from crew members] What in the name of? No!
- Ron Burgundy: [oblivious] Sharp broadcast all of you. Great show, especially from you on the floor. A lot of hustle. I liked that.
- Ed Harken: Ron, I've got to fire you.
- Ron Burgundy: Ed, I've got to fire you.
- Ed Harken: Do you even know what you just said?
- Ron Burgundy: [shocked] Great Odin's raven! Veronica, she put that in the teleprompter.
- Ed Harken: You're probably right, but I've got to fire you.
- [first title card]
- Title card: The following is based on actual events. Only the names, locations and events have been changed.
- Ron Burgundy: I wanna say something. I'm gonna put it out there; if you like it, you can take it, if you don't, send it right back. I want to be on you.
- [Veronica turns and walks away]
- Ron Burgundy: Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I... I wanna be on you.
- Brick Tamland: [When Veronica is replacing Ron after he fails to turn up. Confused] You're not Ron...
- Ron Burgundy: [to Veronica after the news has just gone off the air] You've got a dirty whorish mouth.