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Reviews
A Time to Kill (1996)
A Movie That Can't Make Up Its Mind
John Grisham and Joel Schumacher are two men who've never much cared whether the stories they tell make sense, and it shows.
We're supposed to believe that a small Mississippi town is BOTH progressive and liberal enough to elect a black sheriff AND so racist that a black crime victim can never get justice. ANybody else see a contradiction here?
Samuel L. Jackson's character claims the right to kill the men who attacked his daughter, because he insists black people can't get justice from a white jury. But later, a white jury acquits him... which proves he was WRONG, which means his action was NOT justified!
Then there's the Kevin Spacey character, who makes no sense at all. Even in the Deep South, there is NO WAY that prosecuting a man for avenging the rape of his daughter could be a good career move. An ambitious politician would steer clear of such a case. He'd NEVER embrace it as a stepping stone to higher office.
Grisham and Schumacher don't seem to grasp that this isn't 1890 any more.
Gosford Park (2001)
Not as bad as most Altman films, but bad enough
Coming on the heels of stinkers like "Dr. T" and "Ready to Wear," I suppose a tepid, boring, underdeveloped, mediocre film like "Gosford Park" is a step up for Robert Altman. Still, it's not very good. Altman has occasionally shown a talent for juggling large numbers of characters and multiple plot lines, but this time, there are just WAY too many characters to keep track of, and almost none of the characters are developed. You'll probably find yourself struggling to remember who many of them are.
The murder mystery itself is the weakest element of the movie. It will be obvious to almost everyone who stabbed the old man and why. And it will be equally obvious who REALLY killed the old man, and why.
So, is there ANYTHING worthwhile? Sure, a few solid performances. Maggie Smith, in particular, is hilarious. But that's about it.
The Original Kings of Comedy (2000)
Why was this film made?
What I can't figure out is, why would anybody go to a theater and PAY to hear these run-of-the-mill comics, when they could stay home and watch them for FREE, any night of the week, on BET or on Comedy Def Jam! The material is totally unoriginal- just the usual "boy, those white folks sure talk funny," c**p that every Richard Pryor wannabe breaks out.
O.C. and Stiggs (1985)
Think RObert Altman has talent? Think again!
ANyone who thinks RObert ALtman is a brilliant director should be tied down and forced to watch this piece of garbage! The original story of "O.C. and Stiggs" appeared in National Lampoon, and it was both uproariously funny AND outrageously offensive to both genders, ALL races, and ALL sexual preferences. Robert Altman turned a hilarious story into a tame, lame, wimpy, boring movie with no laughs and NO guts.
The English Patient (1996)
Boring, I can forgive.... but not immoral
In "Casablanca," the movie this piece of garbage is most often compared do, the moral is, "fighting the evil of Naziism is more important than romance." This film takes the opposite tack- who cares if Hitler conquers the world, as long as love prevails!
EVen if this movie weren't 3 hours long and dull as dishwater, that would be a repugnant message.
Mr. Saturday Night (1992)
Paymer's great, Crystal stinks!
David Paymer is funny and touching as Billy Crystal's put-upon brother, but the rest of this movie is just awful. It's an ego trip for Billy Crystal. He doesn't seem to know that it takes more than 10 layers of latex to make a 40 year old actor believable as a 75 year old comic.
Damage (1992)
It's not easy to make sex this boring!
A movie about a passionate sexual affair between a middle-aged man and his future daughter-in-law shouldn't be bland, tepid and boring, but it is! Juliet Binoche is such a cold fish, it's hard to imagine why any man would risk his family and his position to sleep with her.
The Song Remains the Same (1976)
Zeppelin lovers should avoid this film!
I was a huge Led Zeppelin fan in high school, but this film made me wonder why Robert Plant's voice, so great on records, is in terrible shape in this film, and he's off-key from start to finish. John Bonham was a great drummer, but a lousy soloist- trust me, you DON'T want to see this guy do a 15 minute drum solo! Worst of all are the silly "fantasy" segments that each band gets to do. If you like Led Zeppelin, just put your favorite Zeppelin cd in the stereo, and forget about this lame movie.
Mr. Mike's Mondo Video (1979)
Worst Movie Ever Made? Quite Probably!
I actually saw this movie at a theater. As soon as I handed the cashier my money, she said two words I had never heard at a theater, before or since: "No refunds!" As soon as I heard those words, I should have just waved bye-bye to my cash and gone home. But no, foolishly, I went in and watched the movie. This movie didn't make ANYONE in the theater laugh. Not even once. Not even inadvertantly! Mostly, we sat there in stunned silence. Every ten minutes or so, someone would yell "This movie SUCKS!" The audience would applaud enthusiastically, then sit there in stunned, bored silence for another ten minutes.
Rocky IV (1985)
Not a movie- a bunch of music videos pasted together!
"Rocky 4" isn't even worth calling a movie- it's a collection of bad music videos spliced together! If watching Sylvester Stallone work out for 2 hours turns you on, then this is the movie for you. But if a plot matters to you... or if you want characters that you can CARE about in a movie, then avoid this at all costs!