- Ron Swanson: Chris, you have come up with a plan so spectacularly horrible that it might ruin the entire department.
- Chris Traeger: Now wait a minute...
- Ron Swanson: No, I mean that as a compliment. So it pains me to say this: my department has to go back to the way it was.
- Chris Traeger: Give them time. They'll adjust.
- Ron Swanson: No, they won't. They're miserable. Tom only performs when there's someone to impress, so marooning him on Freak Island isn't helping anyone. And you made April assistant to everyone? You know who April hates? Everyone. And Jerry can only function if no one's looking. You shine a light on him, and he shrinks up faster than an Eskimo's scrotum.
- Ron Swanson: Okay, you won't ever hear me say this again, so savor this moment: I may have a compromise.
- Tom Haverford: Well, well, well. If it isn't Ethel Beavers. What's up, beautiful? Julianne Moore just called; she wants her hair back.
- Ethel Beavers: [Looks at list] Nobody named Julian called.
- Tom Haverford: Never mind. I just need to ask you a couple of questions. One, can you help me out with this project we're doing? And, two, will you please invite me to your 30th birthday party?
- [Ethel picks up the phone]
- Tom Haverford: What are you doing?
- Ethel Beavers: I'm making a test call to your phone to make sure it's working so you don't miss any more calls.
- Tom Haverford: You know what? Don't bother. Maybe I'll just find an open window and plummet to my death.
- Ethel Beavers: Okay.
- Ethel Beavers: You two are just the cutest things on four legs.
- Muriel: But why so much black? It's like you're going to a funeral?
- Andy Dwyer: She's got a point, babe.
- April Ludgate: So marry her then.
- Muriel: Ooh, I wish!
- Tom Haverford: Hey, sorry to interrupt the love fest, but can you hand me that folder please, Ethel?
- [Ethel drops the folder on the floor]
- Tom Haverford: Oh, great. Why you gotta be like that, Ethel?
- Ethel Beavers: Looks like someone got up on the wrong side of the crib.
- [Muriel laughs]
- Tom Haverford: Stop laughing, Muriel.
- [Ethel and Muriel laugh]
- Tom Haverford: STOP IT!
- Donna Meagle: This isn't gonna work.
- [Ron spins his chair away from Donna]
- Donna Meagle: Okay, you did not just Swivel away while I was talking to you! This spaceship keyboard is driving me crazy! I'm down to one word a minute, and the word is "perflipisklup" because I can't fly spaceships!
- Ron Swanson: Donna, you know as well as I do these city manager shakeups always peter out. You just have to wait.
- Donna Meagle: Usually I'm with you. But this is Chris Traeger, the six million dollar man. He won't quit. So you need to Swivel your ass down to his office and have a word with him!