- Andy Dwyer: Did you you know that the food you eat becomes energy?
- Andy Dwyer: [kicking the air] That's spaghetti.
- Andy Dwyer: [punching the air] That's nachos.
- Andy Dwyer: [doing another move] That's a cookie.
- April Ludgate: That's my husband.
- Chris Traeger: Have you ever had a turkeyburger?
- Ron Swanson: Is that a fried turkey leg wrapped inside a burger? Because if so, then yes. Delicious.
- Chris Traeger: Pawnee is the fourth most obese city in the United States.
- Tom Haverford: Soon to be third. Look out, San Antonio.
- Ron Swanson: Challenge accepted. If I win, hamburgers stay on the menu.
- Chris Traeger: And if I win, what do I get?
- Ron Swanson: The rarest jewel of all: victory over me, Ron Swanson.
- Leslie Knope: Alright, be honest Tom: how did you and I get matched up
- [on hoosiermate.com]
- Leslie Knope: ?
- Tom Haverford: I created 26 different profiles, each designed to attract a different type of girl. Tom A. Haverford - sporty and sexy. Tom B. Haverford - smooth and soulful. Which letter did you get?
- Leslie Knope: N, Tom N. Haverford.
- Tom Haverford: Ha! The N stands for nerd! I never even check that one because no one ever responds to it. Tom N. Haverford collects globes. His favorite movie is books.
- Leslie Knope: Donna?
- [Donna comes up to Tom and kisses him on the mouth]
- Leslie Knope: Every time I want you to shut up from now on.
- Ron Swanson: I'm not planning to buy anything here. I buy all my hamburgers at Food and Stuff, a place equidistant from my home and work. I'm here for the same reason people go to zoos.
- Andy Dwyer: What's this?
- Chris Traeger: Dragonfruit.
- Chris Traeger: What's this?
- Chris Traeger: Horned melon.
- Andy Dwyer: What's this?
- Chris Traeger: A peach.
- Andy Dwyer: I knew that.
- Andy Dwyer: Chris?
- Chris Traeger: Now Andy, I said one thing.
- Andy Dwyer: April?
- April Ludgate: Pinwheel.
- Ann Perkins: What's up?
- Leslie Knope: What's wrong with me? Why do good guys hate me and gross guys love me? Diagnose me, you're a nurse.
- Ann Perkins: There's nothing wrong with you. You're an intelligent, classy, attractive woman, but for whatever reason, right now, only douchey guys are buying what you're selling.
- Leslie Knope: So I should go and ask them what they think it is I'm selling.
- [pause, nods]
- Leslie Knope: A douche-vestigation.
- Tom Haverford: 'Zerts are what I call desserts. Tray-trays are entrees. I call sandwiches sammies, sandoozles, or Adam Sandlers. Air conditioners are cool blasterz, with a z. I don't know where that came from. I call cakes big ol' cookies. I call noodles long-ass rice. Fried chicken is fri-fri chicky-chick. Chicken parm is chicky chicky parm parm. Chicken cacciatore? Chicky catch. I call eggs pre-birds, or future birds. Root beer is super water. Tortillas are bean blankies. And I call forks... food rakes.
- Chris Traeger: A turkey burger. You take lean, ground turkey meat, and you make that into a burger, instead of red meat.
- Ron Swanson: Why would anyone do that to themselves?
- Leslie Knope: I don't know if the online thing is for me. I prefer to meet people in person. It's like door number two on Let's Make a Deal: do you want the thing that you have, that you know you like, but is it perfect? Or, do you give it up for what's behind door number two?
- [pause]
- Leslie Knope: I think I like what I have.