- Scott Pilgrim: When I'm around you, I kind of feel like I'm on drugs. Not that I do drugs. Unless you do drugs, in which case I do them all the time. All of them.
- Knives Chau: What do you play?
- Young Neil: Wow, ummm... Zelda... Tetris... that's kind of a big question.
- Ramona V. Flowers: This is good garlic bread.
- Scott Pilgrim: Yeah, I think garlic bread would have to be my favourite all-time food. I could eat it for every meal. Or just constantly, without stopping.
- Ramona V. Flowers: Then you'd get fat.
- Scott Pilgrim: No, why would I get fat?
- Ramona V. Flowers: Because bread makes you fat.
- Scott Pilgrim: Bread makes you fat?
- Scott Pilgrim: We are Sex Bob-Omb and we are here to make you think about death and get sad and stuff.
- Ramona V. Flowers: What kind of tea do you want?
- Scott Pilgrim: There's more than one kind?
- Ramona V. Flowers: We have blueberry, raspberry, ginseng, sleepy time, green tea, green tea with lemon, green tea with lemon and honey, liver disaster, ginger with honey, ginger without honey, vanilla almond, white truffel, blueberry chamomile, vanilla walnut, constant comment and... earl grey.
- Scott Pilgrim: Did you make some of those up?
- Scott Pilgrim: I know you play mysterious and aloof just to avoid getting hurt. And I know you have reasons for not wanting talk about your past. I want you to know that I don't care about any of that stuff. Because I'm in lesbians with you.
- Todd Ingram: We have an unfinished business. I and he.
- Scott Pilgrim: He and me.
- Todd Ingram: Don't you talk to me about grammar!
- Wallace Wells: Hey Jimmy do they rock or suck?
- Jimmy: They have not started playing yet...
- Wallace Wells: That was a test Jimmy, and you passed.
- Wallace Wells: If you want something bad, you have to fight for it. Step up your game, Scott. Break out the L-word.
- Scott Pilgrim: Lesbian?
- Wallace Wells: The other L-word.
- Scott Pilgrim: ...Lesbians?
- Crash: This song is called "I Am So Sad. I Am So Very Very Sad." It goes like this.
- Crash: [the song last only a couple of seconds] Thank you.
- Wallace Wells: [yelling out] It's not a race, guys!
- Crash: [annoyed] Ok this next song goes out to the guy who keeps yelling from the balcony. It's called "We Hate You, Please Die."
- Wallace Wells: Sweet!
- [to Jimmy]
- Wallace Wells: I love this song!
- Envy Adams: You are incorrigible.
- Todd Ingram: I don't know the meaning of the word.
- Text: He really doesn't.
- Stacey Pilgrim: [Scott has just broken up with Ramona] Did you really see a future with this girl?
- Scott Pilgrim: Like... with jet-packs?
- Vegan Police: Freeze! Vegan Police!
- Vegan Police: Vegan Police!
- Vegan Police: Todd Ingram, you're under arrest for Veganity Violation Code Number 827: imbibing of half-and-half.
- Todd Ingram: That's bullroar!
- Vegan Police: No vegan diet, no vegan powers!
- Todd Ingram: But-But this is only my first offense. Don't I get three strikes? I mean...
- Vegan Police: [to Policeman #2] Take it.
- Vegan Police: [whips out notepad] 12:47 on February 1st: You knowingly ingested gelato.
- Todd Ingram: Gelato isn't vegan?
- Vegan Police: It's milk and eggs, bitch.
- Vegan Police: [still reading] On April 4th, 7:30 pm, you partook of a plate of chicken Parmesan.
- [Envy gasps, then glares at Todd]
- Todd Ingram: [feeble] Chicken isn't vegan?
- Scott Pilgrim: Wait! We're fighting over Ramona?
- Matthew Patel: Didn't you get my email explaining the situation?
- Scott Pilgrim: I skimmed it.
- Wallace Wells: [shaking head] Mm-mm.
- Matthew Patel: You will pay for your insolence!
- Gideon Gordon Graves: You made me swallow my gum! That's going to be in my digestive tract for seven years!
- Wallace Wells: [to Scott] Everything does suck.
- [phone rings]
- Wallace Wells: Or does it?
- [picks up the phone]
- Wallace Wells: Hello? Oh, hey Knives. What's that? You're outside?
- [Scott stands up quickly]
- Knives Chau: [Knives knocks on the front door]
- [Wallis opens the door]
- Knives Chau: Is Scott here?
- Wallace Wells: Uh, you know what?
- [Scott dives through a window behind Wallis]
- Wallace Wells: He just left.
- Knives Chau: Really?
- Wallace Wells: Yeah.
- [Scott reaches through the window and grabs his jacket]
- Wallace Wells: Sorry.
- [Scott runs away behind Knives]
- Scott Pilgrim: Hey so, can this not be a one-night stand? For one thing I didn't even get any. That was a joke.
- Ramona V. Flowers: What did you have in mind?
- Scott Pilgrim: Oh, come to this first round of this battle of the bands thing.
- Ramona V. Flowers: You have a band?
- Scott Pilgrim: Yeah, we're terrible. Please come.
- Ramona V. Flowers: [sighs] Sure.
- [leaves]
- Scott Pilgrim: Oh wait, can I get your number?
- Ramona V. Flowers: Here.
- Scott Pilgrim: Wow... girl number...
- Ramona V. Flowers: See you at the show Scott Pilgrim.
- Scott Pilgrim: Oh hey it's tonight! At the...
- Julie Powers: So, what can I *censored* get you?
- Scott Pilgrim: Is there anywhere you don't work?
- Julie Powers: They're called jobs, something a *censored* ball like you wouldn't know anything about. And by the way, I can't *censored* believe you asked Ramona out after I specifically told you not to *censored* do that!
- Scott Pilgrim: How are you doing that with your mouth?
- Julie Powers: Never *censored* mind how I'm doing it!
- Todd Ingram: Tell it to the cleaning lady on Monday.
- Scott Pilgrim: What?
- Todd Ingram: Because you'll be dust by Monday... because you'll be pulverized in two seconds. The cleaning lady? She cleans up... dust. She dusts.
- Scott Pilgrim: So, what's on Monday?
- Todd Ingram: 'Cause... it's Friday now, she's the weekends off, so... Monday, right?"
- Envy Adams: Basically, you can't win this fight, so you better give up on this girl, 'cause Todd's gonna kill you.
- Scott Pilgrim: You used to be so nice!
- [Runs towards Todd Ingram, who holds his hand up and lifts him a foot into the air with his mind powers, then hurls him through a brick wall]
- Stephen Stills: Um, Scott, we're gonna go to Pizza-pizza for a slice, call us when you're done...
- [He and Kim walk off]
- Envy Adams: Oh, he'll be done, real soon...
- Todd Ingram: [a long bass note is played from the hole] Sounds like someone wants to get... funky.
- Kim Pine: [unenthusiastically] We are Sex Bob-omb. We are here to sell out and make money and stuff.
- Gideon Gordon Graves: Do you have any idea how long it took me to get all the evil exes' contact information so I could form this stupid league? Like, two hours! *Two hours!*
- Computer: You've got mail.
- Scott Pilgrim: [Turns To Wallace] Dude, this thing claims I have mail.
- Wallace Wells: [groggily] It's amazing what we can do with computers these days.
- Scott Pilgrim: [Turns back] Dude, now I'm totally reading it.
- Wallace Wells: [sarcastic] I'm so happy for you.
- Kim Pine: We are Sex Bob-Omb! And we're here to watch Scott Pilgrim kick your teeth in! One-two-three-four!
- Stacey Pilgrim: Next time, we don't date the girl with eleven evil ex-boyfriends.
- Scott Pilgrim: It's seven.
- Stacey Pilgrim: Oh, well, that's not that bad.
- [Ramona approaches Gideon seductively]
- Gideon Gordon Graves: Yeah. Still my girl.
- Ramona V. Flowers: Let's both be girls.
- [She knees him in the groin]
- Scott Pilgrim: So what you're saying is we're dating?
- Ramona V. Flowers: I guess.
- Scott Pilgrim: Does that mean we can make out?
- Ramona V. Flowers: Sure.
- Kim Pine: Scott Pilgrim, you're the salt of the earth.
- Scott Pilgrim: Thanks, Kim.
- Kim Pine: I meant "scum" of the earth.
- Ramona V. Flowers: Listen, I know I can be hard to be around sometimes. I totally understand if you don't want to hang anymore.
- Scott Pilgrim: No, no, I want to hang. It's... You know, the whole evil ex-boyfriend thing...
- Ramona V. Flowers: Exes...
- Scott Pilgrim: It's no biggie. Um. You know, I know it's early, but I don't think anything can get in the way of how I SHIT!
- [Camera cuts to Scott's ex standing behind Ramona]
- Stacey Pilgrim: 17-year-old? Scandal.
- Scott Pilgrim: Who told you.
- Stacey Pilgrim: Wallace, duh.
- Scott Pilgrim: That gossipy bitch.
- Wallace Wells: [on the phone listening] You know me.
- Knives Chau: Hey Scott!
- Scott Pilgrim: What the hell...
- Ramona V. Flowers: Who is that girl again?
- Stephen Stills: Scott dated her.
- Scott Pilgrim: Briefly.
- Ramona V. Flowers: How old is she?
- Scott Pilgrim: Uhhhhhhhh...
- [the camera goes into his head. We see a wheel listing various thoughts. The arrow gets stuck between "I gotta pee" and "Who, her?"]
- Scott Pilgrim: I gotta pee on her!... I mean, I gotta pee. Pee time.
- Lucas Lee: [before doing a grind on his skateboard] Somebody bring me my board!
- [Wallace taps Lucas on his shoulder holding his skateboard]
- Wallace Wells: Hi, big fan.
- Lucas Lee: [cracking his neck] Why wouldn't you be?
- Other Scott: And you didn't bang her? Are you gay?
- Scott Pilgrim: I couldn't stop thinking about my stupid ex-girlfriend.
- Jimmy: Is that the Uma Thurman movie?
- Kim Pine: Believe it or not I used to date Scott in high school.
- Ramona V. Flowers: Oh? Do you have any embarrassing stories?
- Kim Pine: [laughs sarcastically] Yeah... he's an idiot!
- Scott Pilgrim: You know what really sucks?
- [Spells out "sux" with refrigerator magnets]
- Wallace Wells: What?
- Scott Pilgrim: [Rotates a magnet numeral 8 on its side, the mathematical symbol for infinity] Everything...
- Lucas Lee: The only thing separating me from her is the two minutes it's gonna take to kick your ass.