Green Wing (2004–2007)
Julian Rhind-Tutt: Dr. Macartney
Photos
Quotes
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Dr. Macartney : Join me again next week on this episode of "Let's make no fucking sense" when I will be waxing an owl.
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Dr. Alan Statham : Do you want me to report you for that earring?
Dr. Macartney : Only if I can report you for the moustache.
Dr. Alan Statham : Most females find body piercing repugnant. Luckily, I am still intact.
Dr. Macartney : Yes, even I draw the line at piercing arseholes.
[leaves]
Dr. Alan Statham : Exactly!
[realizes insult]
Dr. Angela Hunter : Banter?
Dr. Alan Statham : Yes.
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Dr. Guilaume Secretan : That's how I remembered your name when I first met you.
Dr. Macartney : What?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Massively annoying chap.
Dr. Macartney : Massively annoying chap?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Yeah. Mac. I was going to say Massively Annoying...
[scene cuts]
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Dr. Macartney : I see a chocolate Phil Collins popping out of a cuckoo clock every hour to tidy up his Nazi gold.
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Dr. Caroline Todd : Please can I have a quick word?
Dr. Macartney : Zoom. Whoosh. There's two for you.
[walks off]
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Dr. Macartney : I'm sure at your last Hospital they all found your personal life fascinating. Do your job. There are enough sitcoms set in Hospitals, don't you think?
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Sue White : [sitting at her desk, she has put a fan in front of her so that her hair flows freely in the wind. Throughout the conversation she wriggles around on her desk seductively]
Dr. Macartney : It is a ridiculous shift pattern if it allows Secretan the arse and another key member of my team to go off at the same time, you know - together!
Sue White : Key member of the team? - no. Scatterbrain floozy? yes!
Dr. Macartney : Okay, I don't want to be without the scatterbrain floozy and without the arrogant knobhead at the same time.
Sue White : Well, there is more than adequate cover.
Dr. Macartney : I don't think there is.
Sue White : Guy is far from irreplaceable, now that is something you've always said.
Dr. Macartney : Yes, I've always said that - very happy to have him out of my sight.
Sue White : And, you managed fine before the scatterbrain floozy arrived.
Dr. Macartney : Did I?
Sue White : Yeah!
Dr. Macartney : Yes, I suppose I did, yes.
Sue White : So what's the problem?
Dr. Macartney : I don't want them to be off - both at the same time! I don't!
Sue White : Why?
Dr. Macartney : Just because.
Sue White : Because why?
Dr. Macartney : Because... because guy is a wanker!
Sue White : Yeah, well, I actually, you know I don't draw up the rosters.
Dr. Macartney : Sorry, are yóu on my side here, or not...?
Sue White : Dr Macartney, Dr Macartney, yes, I'm always on your side, you know I'm by your side, I'm up your side, I'm through your side, I'm *under* your side... I'm all over your side.
Dr. Macartney : Okay, that's time for me to go now, okay.
[leaves]
Sue White : I can do headstands! Now, would you like to see that? Would you...? The...? Would you like to see that?
[she stands up, pulls up her skirt and fans her crotch]
Sue White : Ohhhh...
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Sue White : Oh, God, you know, I am sorry to drag you in here again, Mac, I know this is boring. Bloody computer virus has wiped off half your record. So, still single, I see, and no-one can understand it! Why you haven't been snapped up is a mystery to me.
Dr. Macartney : Aha.
Sue White : [types something into her computer very quickly] God, I want you. Not just sexually, in every way.
[fast typing]
Sue White : I want to wake up next to you, watch you sleep,
[typing]
Sue White : run my hand over your back and edge forward into regions knowing that my hand could make you feel like no other could.
[more typing]
Sue White : Mobile phone number?
Dr. Macartney : 07956, actually, I'm between...
Sue White : Thighs?
Dr. Macartney : ...networks.
Sue White : Okay.
[typing]
Sue White : And, um... Oh, my God, I want to feel you in my mouth.
[typing]
Sue White : House number?
Dr. Macartney : 21.
Sue White : That's it! That's all we were missing. All righty. Well, you know, you're free to go. See you at the slave auction.
Dr. Macartney : Yes.
Sue White : [whispering] I have an unlimited budget!
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Dr. Guilaume Secretan : I can do a surface dive in my pyjamas.
Dr. Macartney : That's probably very handy for a bedwetter.
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Dr. Caroline Todd : How was the interview?
Dr. Macartney : Not sure... think I might have used the words 'job', 'stick', 'up' and 'arse' all in one sentence. Is that a bad thing?
Dr. Caroline Todd : Well I... I think tone of voice is very important.
Dr. Macartney : Is it, is it? Damn. Shit. Excuse me, I have some patients to see.
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Dr. Macartney : Martin, Martin, see this - is that your signiture?
Dr. Martin Dear : Yeah, it is, yeah.
Dr. Macartney : Yeah, can't really do smiley faces on death certificates. Does look a little bit insensitive.
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Dr. Guilaume Secretan : You - are a *gingre*.
Dr. Macartney : I am a *fraise-blonde*.
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Dr. Guilaume Secretan : I was only down the old Hackney Stadium last night... blew a monkey on a dog.
Dr. Macartney : Really? You'll have the RSPCA after you.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : No, a monkey, it's fifty sheets.
Terry : Five hundred.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Really? So what's a pony?
Dr. Macartney : It's kind of a small horse...
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Dr. Macartney : So tell me, why are you wearing a blouse?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : What?
Dr. Macartney : It's a blouse, isn't it?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Fuck off, it's designer.
Dr. Macartney : What, Laura Ashley?
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[Guy has let slip that he was a bridesmaid at the age of five]
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : It was a turn of phrase!
Dr. Macartney : Turn of gender?
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[Guy is explaining the rules of "guyball"]
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Now remember, don't leave the parish, if you get to the maison, put your hand up and shout, "Maison!"
Dr. Macartney : Maison!
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : There are no hedgehogs, and no burrowing tactics. I won the toss, so sticklers are random. Have you got that?
Dr. Martin Dear : No, not really.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Good. Go!
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Dr. Macartney : [Guy has drunkenly stolen an ambulance. Mac is on the phone to the police] He's definitely becoming more rational. It's just that he had a shock recently. He had sex with his Mother.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Don't tell them that!
Dr. Macartney : [to Guy] Why, it's not a crime.
[Listens to the phone]
Dr. Macartney : Oh, it is! Apparently you can get seven years.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : This is you trying to talk someone out of a suicidal depression, is it?
Dr. Macartney : I'm just giving them the mitigating circumstances for joyriding.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Joyriding! Does it look like I'm enjoying it?
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Dr. Caroline Todd : I always thought those kinds of schools were so cruel. You think of these poor kids left in front of those large, cold Victorian buildings with all their luggage, crying.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : That's rubbish because... my school was Edwardian.
Dr. Caroline Todd : They don't know anyone, they don't know where they're supposed to go. What kind of parents would do that to their child?
Dr. Macartney : Guy's.
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Dr. Macartney : Say it with me, say it with me, funk-eh.
Dr. Martin Dear : Funk-ee!
Dr. Macartney : Funk-eh!
Dr. Martin Dear : Funk-ee!
Dr. Macartney : No, funk-eh!
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : [scary voice] Funkehh!
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Dr. Macartney : You know what you need? You need a system. Like I used mnemonics when I was revising.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Yeah, me too. Take the bones of the head, alright...
[points to parts of his head as he names the bones]
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : frontal, parietal, occipital, zygomatic, sphenoid, temporal, maxilla, mandible, vomer, nasal.
Dr. Martin Dear : Jesus, how did you remember that?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : I just took a simple everyday phrase where the words begin with the same letters as the bones.
Dr. Macartney : Go on then, what is it?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Foreign politicians often zing stereotypical tunes, mayday, mayday, Venezuela, neck.
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Neurosurgeon : Mac, you've been in the business for a while, what would you say is the worst thing about this job?
Dr. Macartney : The worst thing, I would say, is the white coats because they make me look quite pale.
Neurosurgeon : Seriously.
Dr. Macartney : Seriously? The bureaucracy.
Neurosurgeon : No.
Dr. Macartney : The lack of adequate funding?
Neurosurgeon : No, I'm thinking of something more patient-oriented.
Dr. Macartney : Got it, smelly patients.
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Dr. Macartney : I happen to know that more people come out of that room alive than dead. There are people employed to keep track of those numbers.
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Dr. Macartney : [restraining order] Read it, memorise it, never come near me again.
Sue White : BUT WHAT ABOOT THA WEE BAIRN?
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Sue White : Do you know the Story of the Magical Pink Rabbit?
Dr. Macartney : Hang on. Does the Magic Rabbit live in an Enchanted Forest?
Sue White : Yeah!
Dr. Macartney : Does the Magic Rabbit only pop his nose out of his burrow once in a while?
Sue White : Right!
Dr. Macartney : Can I just say something? I have no idea what we're talking about.
Sue White : Yes you do!
Dr. Macartney : No I don't, I'm going.
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Dr. Macartney : I'm going to take away your Hangover Hat and give you my I Knew When I'd Had Enough Hat.
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Dr. Macartney : [bangs Guy's head against lockers] Say it!
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Je suis desole...
Dr. Macartney : [bangs Guy's head] In English!
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Martin I'm s... I'm s... I'm s... sorry I told you you'd passed your exams when you hadn't.
[Martin pulls Guy's lip]
Dr. Macartney : Now hug.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan , Dr. Martin Dear : What?
Dr. Macartney : I said hug.
[there is no reaction]
Dr. Macartney : FUCKING HUG!
[Guy and Martin hug very awkwardly but break apart when Mac walks away. He turns back]
Dr. Macartney : I said hug!
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Dr. Caroline Todd : What happened the day of the accident?
Dr. Macartney : What accident?
Dr. Caroline Todd : Ooooooh! Bollocking shitbags!
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Dr. Guilaume Secretan : I could happily kill everyone with a baseball cap.
Dr. Macartney : One baseball cap?
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Dr. Macartney : The smell of her perfume mingling with her skin, her bodily fluids, her shampoo... which all come together to make...
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : A dirty minging woman, trust the bloody French to make it sound romantic.
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Dr. Caroline Todd : Aha! Where have you been, aren't you supposed to be back in theatre and I've been looking for you.
Dr. Macartney : Here, no, and well done, you've found me. It's your turn to hide.
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Dr. Macartney : I'm assuming you've taken painkillers?
Dr. Caroline Todd : I want something stronger. I want the stuff you use... to kill people.
Dr. Macartney : Nope, saving all that for Guy.
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Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Buggering wank!
Dr. Macartney : No, no, don't tell me the Swiss water polo team lost again!
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Sue White : This is Dr Macartney.
Dr. Macartney : Hi - Mac, call me Mac, hi.
Dr. Caroline Todd : Any relation to...
Dr. Macartney : Ringo Starr? No, actually, but impeccable timing because we're short a pair of hands down on a routine hernia operation.
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Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Do you think you could kill somebody out of work?
Dr. Macartney : What, kill an unemployed person?
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Dr. Macartney : I'm sorry, was that a comeback? Not that I heard it or anything, I was about twenty yards down the corridor...
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Dr. Caroline Todd : Go away.
Dr. Macartney : Shan't.
Dr. Caroline Todd : I am such a tit.
Dr. Macartney : Yep. Yep.
Dr. Caroline Todd : You don't have to agree with me.
Dr. Macartney : I was just being polite.
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Dr. Macartney : [into phone] He had sex with his mother.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Don't tell them that!
Dr. Macartney : Why not?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Jesus, what's wrong with you?
Dr. Macartney : Why not, it's not a crime!
[listens into phone]
Dr. Macartney : Oh, it is? Wow. Apparently you can get up to seven years...
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : This is you talking someone out of a suicidal depression?
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Joanna Clore : [on Mac's hair] Well, at least I don't look like a girl.
Dr. Macartney : Ah, touche, touche...
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Dr. Macartney : [ribbing Guy over going to a boarding school] Yes, go on, you don't want to miss Double Latin. And I think Pongo is going to bring some tuck up to the dorm!
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Dr. Caroline Todd : Do you want to come round my gaff?
Dr. Macartney : Ooh, sounds rude.
Dr. Caroline Todd : It's not rude.
Dr. Macartney : I'm not coming if it's not rude.
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Dr. Macartney : [Comic Relief segment] Comic Relief, what an opportunity for those of us in the caring community to prove that we really do actually care... but in a wider context.
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Dr. Guilaume Secretan : So, are you sure you understand the spoooon of destiny?
Dr. Macartney : I do understand the spoooon of destiny.
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Dr. Caroline Todd : How do you feel?
Dr. Macartney : Really tired.
Dr. Caroline Todd : That's perfectly normal, you're a Doctor.
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Dr. Macartney : [Carol's first day] I'll vouch for her! Yeah, you look like a Doctor. Dilated pupils... no sense of humour...
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Dr. Macartney : That should traumatise most of them out of ever choosing a career in Medicine.
[He and Carol high-five]
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Dr. Macartney : [Coma Dream] This town ain't big enough for the both of us!
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Dr. Martin Dear : [Cliff edge Ambulance] I'll sacrifice myself! My legs are gone, anyway!
Dr. Macartney : No!
[Aside to Guy]
Dr. Macartney : Is it Karen? Karen wouldn't want you to.
Dr. Martin Dear : Well, you can't go because you've got Carol, it'll have to be Guy!
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Wait I've got stuff to live for too! I can't die, I can't die... until I remember the name of the Last Muskateer!
Dr. Martin Dear : Athos!
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Oh yeah...
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Dr. Macartney : You're part of my Team!
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : You're part of my Anus!
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Dr. Macartney : Not the Hands!
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Not the Hair!
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Dr. Macartney : I don't know what to say.
Dr. Caroline Todd : I think that's a first.
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Dr. Macartney : [post-Coma] What an interesting thing to say say.
Dr. Caroline Todd : Okay, now I'm getting scared.
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Caroline's Mum : They say that seeing the Mother-in-Law is looking into the future!
Dr. Macartney : Thank God I'm dying.
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Dr. Macartney : You'll be fine, just lose some weight!
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Dr. Macartney : [Retrieves his motorcycle from an elevator he has marked out of service, and then surrounded with trash]
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Dr. Macartney : Well?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Well what, you scrawny poof?
[Mac pushes Guy's head into a bowl of cornflakes]
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : [through cornflakes] You're not a poof! You're not a poof!
[Mac pulls Guy's head up again]
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : You're not a poof!
Dr. Macartney : And?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : And - you are a poof!
[Mac empties the bowl over Guy's head]