Charmed (1998–2006)
Holly Marie Combs: Piper Halliwell
Photos
Quotes
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Piper : I'll play the bitch, you play the witch, ok?
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[Wyatt has shrunken Piper and Leo into a doll house size of the Manor]
Piper : OK... let me handle Wyatt. This requires a mother's touch... Wyatt Matthew Halliwell! You stop this nonsense right now!
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Chris : I was just wondering how it went with the doctor.
Piper : Well, you'll be happy to know that you're a boy.
[holds up ultrasound picture]
Chris : That's not what I meant.
Paige : [looking at picture] I don't see it.
Piper : Oh, see, it's this little thing right here...
[points]
Chris : Whoa!
[grabs ultrasound]
Chris : Excuse me! Do you mind?
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Grams : Have you been exercising your powers daily?
Piper : Do I need to?
Grams : Well, you know, if you don't want to lose control of them. Did you perform a ritual to promote growth?
[Piper and Leo look sheepish]
Grams : Did you cast a spell to ward off demonic parasites?
[Piper and Leo continue to look ashamed]
Grams : Sweetheart, what did you do?
Leo : We built a nursery in our bedroom closet.
Grams : No wonder this baby summoned me.
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Piper : Oh, please, please, somebody help me. The mean demon is dipping me into the water and it's really cold.
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Piper : Life isn't a garden so stop being a hoe.
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Piper : Vanquish demon first, kill husband later.
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Phoebe : Last night two guys held up a bar and a vigilante killed them.
Paige : Sounds more like you need an arrest warrant, not a potion.
Phoebe : Not when the vigilante is tall, dark and handsome and can send people flying with the wave of a hand.
Piper : Well, that doesn't mean it's Cole.
Phoebe : Did I forget to mention the scorch marks?
Piper : See, *that* means it's Cole.
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Piper : You know, if I could freeze the two of you, I would, often.
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Piper : Kiss this bitch.
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Piper : Be careful of the feet you step on, they may be connected to the boot that kicks your ass.
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[Piper and Leo are down behind the bar. Piper giggles. Piper's cell phone rings and she pops up, out of breath to answer it]
Piper : Hello?
Phoebe : Hey, did you make the potion?
Piper : Potion? P-P-Paige is making the potion.
[Leo pops up beside Piper and starts kissing her neck]
Piper : And I have ten glorious minutes then I have to have my herbs.
Phoebe : Great, because I need your help fast. Karen's gonna get fired unless we get her advice column in by 8:00 tonight.
Piper : Uh-huh.
Phoebe : So what would tell a twenty-eight year old woman who's still living in her parents house because she's afraid of living alone?
Piper : I'd tell her to get a life.
Phoebe : How can I write that? We fight demons every day. How can I tell her that there's nothing to be afraid of, you know? (Piper makes a noise as Leo disappears behind the bar again, smiling.) What are you doing, Piper?
Piper : I am taking my own advice.
Phoebe : Eww.
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Phoebe : Where the hell is Leo, it's been five hours and he hasn't responded to any of my calls.
Chris Perry : I really don't know
Piper : Well I really think you do know
Chris Perry : Well maybe I do, and if I'm right, Leo's gonna need some major alone time
Piper : You know what? Cut the cryptic crap. I want you to go up there and bring Leo back now.
Chris Perry : Fine. But if I was you I would focus on finding a way to unfreeze Paige 'cause you're gonna need her... soon
Piper : I swear to God if he does not bring Leo back I am gonna blow his ass back to the future orbs and all.
Phoebe : Okay, Piper maybe it would be better if you go downstairs and spend some time with Wyatt... you're not breathing are you?
Piper : Nope
Phoebe : Breathe, inhale, exhale, okay next sister.
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Piper : Oh, no! Am I dead again?
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Piper : Why didn't you save her?
Leo : I tried.
Piper : But you didn't. Why didn't they let you save her, too?
Leo : The Elders? They couldn't. They don't have that kind of power.
Piper : Then what the hell good are they?
[Piper stands up and walks away from Leo and finds a tissue, Leo follows]
Leo : It's okay to be angry.
Piper : I'm not angry. I am pissed off! Don't you understand? You healed the wrong sister! You saved me because I'm your damn wife, and you should've saved her because she was the best! Because she, you should.
[She loses it again, overcome. Leo moves up behind her and this time, she lets him hold her]
Piper : Why do they put us through so much for it to end this way?
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Piper : Yeah. Sure, why not? We could have another funeral tomorrow. I mean, all the dishes are out and we pretty much know who to invite.
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Piper : You got anything that would go with combat boots? You know, for the mommy-to-be who kicks some ass on occasion.
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Piper : Paige. Is everything okay?
Paige : Better than okay. I'm going to have a love life.
Phoebe : You're making a love potion?
Paige : No, I'm making a stun potion.
Piper : So that lovers will be stunned by you?
Paige : No, so that Kazis will be stunned by me.
Phoebe : You're in love with a Kazi demon?
Paige : Try to stay with me, people.
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Piper : Oh, you know what? She's getting angry. And our powers don't work so good when we're angry.
Mitzy Stillman : We've got them now.
Piper : Yeah, you've got us now so why don't you blow us up?
Phoebe : Piper, death bad, life good.
Paige : Don't worry, this bimbo couldn't hit the broadside of a beauty parlour. Check out that dye job.
[the blonde sisters gasp]
Mabel Stillman : How dare you!
[Mabel blows up the doors]
Piper : Run!
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Piper : I think my half whitelighter baby thought fireworks would be prettier than demon guts.
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Piper : Phoebe, how many times have I told you not to play dress-up with the demons?
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Leo Wyatt : Look, Piper, no matter what happens...
Piper : No...
Leo Wyatt : You have to keep trying to make contact.
Piper : I don't want him to hear it...
Leo Wyatt : He's not after you, he's after me.
Piper : Would you please stop trying to save me!
Leo Wyatt : I'm sorry I got you into this.
Piper : [crying] Yeah, just one ordeal after another, right?
Leo Wyatt : I've never stopped loving you.
[her eyes welling up with tears, Piper's resistance finally melts and she leans in to kiss Leo]
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Piper : Every other mother-to-be does not have to worry about her child orbing to Tahiti when they are sent to their room.
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Piper : Apparently the baby here prefers Mommy to be indestructible.
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Phoebe : I mean, between you and Leo, and Prue, the new Hot Wicca Woman, and me, soon to be employed, things are looking up.
Piper : Don't say that. The moment someone says that, everything always goes south.
Phoebe : Unless you freeze him. Oh, I couldn't help it. It was so good.
Prue : Okay, okay, come on, we're going, you're going to borrow the car.
[Leo comes down the stairs]
Leo : Good morning.
Phoebe : Yeah, we heard.
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Phoebe : Piper, just so you know, I may have to flee the country, but just for a little while. And I will call you, okay.
Piper : Oh, no you don't, Missy. There will be no fleeing the country until you clean up after yourself.
Phoebe : No-no-no-no-no, I'm sorry, I can't. I'm possessed.
Piper : That is not an excuse!
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Lazarus Demon : Go to hell!
Piper : I'm already there!
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Piper : I'm gonna be happy when I vanquish your sorry ass.
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Piper : Oh, no, don't tell me we got infected with the sin thingy.
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Paige : Well, I was sort of messing around with Dave...
Piper : Messing around?
Paige : Yeah, having sex.
Piper : Oh.
Paige : See, that's why I don't want to talk to you about this. It's weird talking to a pregnant lady about sex anyway.
Piper : Well, Paige, how do you think I got pregnant?
Paige : Ugh, I don't want to know that either.
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Leo : P3's still doing great.
Piper : Not as great as it used to be, thanks to me.
Leo : Well, Piper, you're having a baby. Your priorities have changed.
Piper : Yeah, well, haven't you heard? Women can have careers and babies now. It's been in all the papers.
Leo : Well, are those women trying to save the world from demons too?
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Piper : Mm-hmm. Your destiny still awaits, she says. There's a reason for everything she says. So, now it's time to summon her transparent butt back and ask exactly what that reason is.
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Phoebe : What's the celebration?
Paige : I'm just so happy to be home, that's all.
Piper : You wanted to move out.
Paige : I did? God, no. Never. Well, I mean, you know, maybe when I'm married or pregnant or... hopefully both at the same time. We're sisters. We shouldn't split up until we absolutely have to. You know that, right?
Piper : She's rambling.
Phoebe : I hear that.
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Piper : Yeah, but this demon didn't even seem to know who we were, which by the way I find insulting.
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Piper : Oh, you know what? She's getting angry. And our powers don't work so good when we're angry.
Mitzy : We've got them now.
Piper : Yeah, you've got us now so why don't you blow us up?
Phoebe : Piper, death bad, life good.
Paige : Don't worry, this bimbo couldn't hit the broadside of a beauty parlour. Check out that dye job.
[the blonde sisters gasp]
Mabel : How dare you!
[Mabel blows up the doors]
Piper : Run!
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Head Dwarf : When's her prince getting here?
Piper : She doesn't have a prince.
Head Dwarf : No prince? So then who's going to kiss her?
Stinky : I'll do it.
Dwarf : In your dreams stinky. I'll do it.
Stinky : I told you not to call me that.
Head Dwarf : People. A little professional decorum here please.
[to Piper]
Head Dwarf : Forgive them, it's been a while.
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Piper : It was all of those women showing off their sonogram pictures, and it was just working on my last nerve. Like, "Look, it's Jasper's first photo. And it's going to go on the fridge in a magnetic frame that says 'Jasper's First Photo'."
Leo : Okay, I thought prenatal yoga was supposed to help you relax.
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Piper : So your new-and-improved premonitions are just a more vivid way of telling us we're screwed?
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Piper : Phoebe, you're overreacting. That's my department.
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Piper : Phoebs, friendly little tip. Lay off the hairspray, there's a fire starter in the house.
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Piper : He swears they're not watching but he's a guy, he'll say anything.
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Piper : Ugh. That tastes like ass... phalt.
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Phoebe : It's just research for that stupid article Jason made me do.
Piper : Ah, you said his name without swearing. Does that mean things are going better at work?
Phoebe : Oh, no. He's still driving me crazy.
Piper : Didn't he just give you a raise?
Phoebe : Yeah, but that was just a bribe so I wouldn't quit.
Piper : Ah, a woman of principles. I admire that.
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Piper : Look, I know I didn't call to confirm, but I was busy creating life, okay?
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[Prue, Piper and Phoebe have been outed on national TV and are receiving interview requests up the wazoo]
Piper : So, what do you think? Should we go with Oprah, or Barbra? Barbra makes you cry. We go with Oprah.
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Piper : Darryl, I'm sorry, but what do you want me to say? My sister was just possessed with a supernaturally born killer and my husband is in 1994, and I do not mean in the fashion sense. He time traveled back with my other sister so the only one left to help me is you.
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Piper : Don't act blonde.
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Piper : Leo, you're a nice guy, and I like you a lot, but let's face it, you're geographically undesirable.
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Piper : I dreamt an animated musical last night. Is that normal?
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Piper : Who would shoot a gnome? And why is the 'g' silent?
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Paige : [speaking to Piper in an alternate reality] And you, you're not La Femme Nikita, you're a Charmed One. Yeah, you don't mind kicking ass when you have to, but otherwise you'd rather be hanging out with your sisters, baking cookies, or knitting booties.
Piper : Knitting booties? Clearly you don't know me at all.
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Piper : Oh. You're assuming because I'm not tall, tattooed, or big-breasted that I'm not important. That's a bad assumption because I own this club, which makes me a V.V.V.I.P."
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Piper : What are you doing?
Chris Perry : What does it look like I'm doing? I'm trying to find a way to free stone cold Paige over there
Piper : Step away from the book.
Chris Perry : Oh, please. Like I haven't looked in this thing before? By the way, you should update you're goblins entry. It'll come in handy someday.
Piper : Goblins?
Chris Perry : Yeah. It's gonna get ugly. Trust me. Look, I know you have no reason to trust me, but the book thinks I'm good, shouldn't you?
Piper : Well, maybe you found a way around it.
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[after Leo telling her he might not be around when the boys are older]
Piper : Is that why you didn't want to go around the world in 80 orbs?
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Piper : I don't need to take a deep breath! I need to find my husband!
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Leo : [talking about making a costume for Wyatt's school play] You wanted a normal life, remember?
Piper : [at the book, willing to conjure a costume] Look, that was before I realized our son was going to be humiliated in front of his entire class!
Billie Jenkins : Happened to me all the time. Only made me stronger.
Piper : And shut it!
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Piper : Leo, I have growing powers inside of me. Powers that I don't understand, and the only person who does understand them never has time to talk. Add that to raging hormones and I guarantee you I am absolutely entitled to do the 'crying thing'.
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Piper : Are you out of your mind, AGAIN?
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Leo : Well, what if he makes his move before you get a chance to vanquish him?
Piper : I'll freeze him.
Leo : Now you're confident in your powers?
Piper : Okay, so maybe I'll blow him up.
[They walk into the conservatory]
Leo : But what if he blows us up first?
Piper : Well, you're already dead, what's the difference.
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Piper : You stole our sacred book so you could perform magical plastic surgery on yourself?
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[Piper and Leo hear a turkey gobble and look to see Phoebe getting out of her car carrying the turkey]
Phoebe : A little help here.
Piper : What are you doing with that thing?
Phoebe : Well, first I'm gonna kill it and then I'm gonna stuff it.
Piper : You are not bringing that filthy fowl in the house.
Phoebe : Yes, I am. Thanksgiving's early this year.
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Piper : I didn't need a sign to tell me where my heart lies.
[smiles at Leo]
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Piper : [to Paige] Geez, you're like my husband with boobs.
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Piper : I didn't have to resort to maternity clothes. Everything is so bright and cheery and ruffly.
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Piper : Yeah, like that doesn't have personal gain tattooed across its forehead.
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Piper : All right, that's it. Break it up. You go back to your corner and you, you're gonna get ready and we're gonna put lots and lots of makeup on you.
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Piper : Uh, Phoebe, you're evil. You're like the queen of all evil, literally.
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Piper : That's what they do, Phoebe, they come back. They snarl and come back.
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Piper : So, here's the deal. We'll spare your lives if you pull your skanky little power out of her.
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Piper : I just wish I could get a live guy.
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Piper : Heads up. Pregnant lady coming through with the groceries.
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Piper : Don't worry for I hold the power of... one.
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Piper : So what you're saying is, that whatever you're keeping from me is enough to piss me off but not put me in any danger. At the moment.
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Piper : Now she's Martha Stewart.
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Piper : You knew about this supernatural Jenny Jones reunion, didn't you?