- Heather Merriweather: You wouldn't lie to me?
- Bob McGraw: Of course I would lie to you, I'm a guy. But I'm not lying now.
- Bob McGraw: The competition looks a little weirder than I expected.
- [followed by the howling sound of a coyote]
- Bob McGraw: Let's just say I slipped on a bar of soap in the shower as a bus ran out of control and crashed into the medicine cabinet.
- Heather Merriweather: [Walking away from Rex] I have nothing to say to you.
- Bob McGraw: Well I'm sure if you just took the time to get to know me we could work something out.
- Bob McGraw: Wanna fool around? Wanna get married? Want fellatio or what? If I'm being too forward, just tell me to back off.
- Heather Merriweather: Um, how about a name first.
- Bob McGraw: Well, you just made it through the world's most dangerous rapid... and now... it's beer time!
- Irwin: You mean I risked my life and you give me lite-beer?
- Heather Merriweather: Why don't you come on in and shut the door. Why don't you lock it. Why don't you...
- Bob McGraw: I think I can take it from here.
- Bob McGraw: He needed shave, bath, a cup of coffee and a good woman, something told him he was in the wrong place.
- Bob McGraw: At that moment he knew what the night held in store for them, and he liked the smell of it.
- Chuck the Wonder Dog: [Barking while running along the creek, holding Irwin's underwear in his mouth]
- Bob McGraw: Hey! It's Chuck! Hey, Chucker!
- Chuck the Wonder Dog: [Whines, barks, and rolls around on the bank of the creek]
- Max: Bob, it looks like he's been drinking again...
- Gonzer: No, no, no, no, no... not drinking, look in his mouth! It's Irwin's underwear!
- Max: Oh, well then no wonder he's acting like that.
- Chuck the Wonder Dog: [Drops Irwin's underwear and gags]
- Bob McGraw: That can mean only one thing!
- Gonzer: Irwin's naked!
- Bob McGraw: Right! And Chuck knows where he is! Let's go!
- Bob McGraw: [Being chased by the Preppies from Ivy College, realizes he's run down a dead end] Shit!
- [Turns around]
- Bob McGraw: Hold it, hold it, hold it! Guys, guys! Now I know you're all wondering why I called you down here tonight. Be... cause I want to talk to you
- [points at one of the Preppies]
- Bob McGraw: about herpes.
- [Throws a punch before proceeding to get beat up]
- Powers: What's he doing? He should be here by now. Johnson, go get Captain Braverman.
- Johnson: You go get him. I don't miss him.
- Powers: Points to the badge on his Jacket Johnson, you see this? You know what this means?
- Johnson: Puts his hand on his crotch Hey, you see this Sparkey? You know what this means? Huh?