- I'm a lesbian, an Aquarian, and a vegetarian.
- People always ask me 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, I was an accountant.
- "I was raised around heterosexuals, as all heterosexuals are. That's where us gay people come from - you heterosexuals." - during her interview on 20/20 (1978).
- On her love scene with Bill Pullman in Mr. Wrong (1996): "It's a combination of Something Wild (1986), After Hours (1985) and Mary Poppins (1964)....if Mary Poppins were naked."
- The '60s were when hallucinogenic drugs were really, really big. And I don't think it's a coincidence that we had the type of shows we had then, like The Flying Nun (1967).
- I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.
- My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
- You say you're sick and tired of hearing about me? I've got news for you: I'M sick and tired of hearing about me.
- On hosting the Emmys after the 9/11 tragedy (November 4, 2001): "We're told to go on living our lives as usual, because to do otherwise is to let the terrorists win, and really, what would upset the Taliban more than a gay woman wearing a suit in front of a room full of Jews?"
- Sometimes the greatest things are the most embarrassing.
- "I just like observing people--it's something I've done ever since I was a kid, and I got really good at it. That's a big part of why I became a comedian. My audience is filled with every kind of person you can imagine, and I love that." (Redbook, January 2006)
- "I'd like to be more patient! I just want everything now. I've tried to meditate, but it's really hard for me to stay still. I'd like to try to force myself to do it, because everybody says how wonderful meditation is for you, but I can't shut my mind up. So patience and learning is the key." (Redbook, January 2006)
- "I look at anything in nature and how things work--the stars, the pyramids--and I can't imagine that there's not some kind of design to it all. There's got to be something big that we don't understand. I do believe in Jesus. I believe in being good to one another. Life is about spending our time here contributing and not taking away. That's my faith." (Redbook, January 2006)
- Really, he called me that? Ellen Degenerate? I've been getting that since the fourth grade. I guess I'm happy I could give him work. [When told in an interview that, after she revealed her homosexuality, Jerry Falwell called her 'Ellen Degenerate'].
- There's two things I've always wanted to do in my life. One is to host the Oscars. The second is to get a call from Laura Ziskin. You can imagine that day's diary entry. - After receiving a call from Ziskin, producer of the 2007 Oscars, requesting that Ellen host.
- Every morning, I would come down to the kitchen and I would see myself making coffee and I would think 'oh, she's pretty'. (on what life would be like with an identical twin)
- On why she, a nonsinging entertainer, would be a successful American Idol (2002) judge replacement: "I know I'm going to be a great judge--because I've spent my whole life being judged."
- Find out who you are and be that person. That's what your soul was put on this Earth to be. Find that truth, live that truth, and everything else will come.
- What goes up must come down, which is why I don't wear tube tops.
- Never follow anyone else's path, unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path; then, by all means, you should follow that path.
- I'm glad I'm funny. I'm glad I make people happy, because that's very important. But I'm most proud to be known as a kind person. . . . Because kindness spreads, and the world is a little nicer out there.
- We can sit and worry about what's going to happen to us two weeks from now. I'd rather focus on the amazing things happening right in front of us. Animals help us do that.
- Be kind to one another.
- Why do they say we're over the hill? I don't even know what that means and why it's a bad thing. When I go hiking and I get over a hill, that means I'm past the hard part and there's a snack in my future.
- [on Donald Trump]For me to have someone on the show, I have to at least admire them in some way. And I can't have someone that I feel is not only dangerous for the country and for me personally as a gay woman but to the world. He's dividing all of us, I just don't want him on the show.
- [on Donald Trump]He is who he is and he has enough attention. He has his Twitter account and he has ways to get his message across. There is nothing I'm going to say to him that's going to change him, and I don't want to give him a platform, because it validates him
- [on Donald Trump banning transgender people from military service]We should be grateful to the people who wish to serve, not turn our backs on them. Banning transgender people is hurtful, baseless and wrong.
- [on the tragic death of her former partner Anne Heche]: This is a sad day. I'm sending Anne's children, family and friends all my love.
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